A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.

When he comes out of the water he doesn’t have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

Then one of his buddies asks, “Why did you jump into the lake?”

And he said, “I left my car keys in the bag.”

One Liner

Remember when we were kids and we’d say, “I can’t wait until I get older and can do whatever I want!” So, how’s that working for ya?

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!”

One Liner

Shout out to the person who created the word “plethora.” It means a lot.

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phone too!”

One Liner

I’m the type of wife that will help my husband look for his chocolate, that I ate.

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

“Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, “Listen to me. I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”

She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?”

One Liner

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked.

“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.

“Children?”

“Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.

“Animals?”

“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.

One Liner

So if a cow can’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you one thing…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

One Liner

Why do we have to wait until night to call it a day?

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights.”

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!”

“No,” the cook says. “Three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up.”

“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, “What are the beans for?”

The waitress replies, “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires and headlights, you might want to gas up.”

One Liner

Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist change places.

The Real Meaning of Hotel Descriptions 

Old world charm > No bath

No extra fees > No extras

Nominal fee > Outrageous charge

Standard > Sub-standard

Deluxe > Standard

Superior > One free shower cap

Cozy > Small

All the amenities > Two free shower caps

Plush > Top and bottom sheets

One Liner

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.