A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can’t even hold a pen.”

“Certainly sir,’ said the younger man, “I’d be glad to.”

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘P.S., please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.’?”

One Liner

Consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one will say individually.

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix.

One Liner

2020: Stay away from negative people. 
2021: Stay away from positive people.

THE VIRUS HAS HIT EVERYBODY REALLY HARD.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

One Liner

Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who knew??

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink. 

“Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked. 

“I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it.”

One Liner

I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Upon receiving her manuscript with a rejection letter back from a major publishing company, the author sent a letter to the editor. 

“Sir,” she began, “you sent back a story of mine. I know that you did not read the story, for as a test I pasted together pages 18,19,20 and 21. My story came back with these pages still stuck together. I know you are a fraud and turned down the manuscript without reading them.”

The editor replied: “Madam, at breakfast when I open an egg I don’t have to eat the whole egg to discover it is bad.”

One Liner

It isn’t the size of the tree that matters, it’s the quality of the nuts that are on it.

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; “How did it go?”

“I nearly died of shame!” she answers. “Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! That I was HOMEMADE.” 

One Liner

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.  

Sunday School Teacher: “…and when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom, she turned into a pillar of salt!”

Young pupil: “My mom looked back once while she was driving! She turned into a telephone pole.”

One Liner

I bet you would be really motivated if the weight you lost went to someone you don’t like.