It’s not a cat it’s…

a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

a wildlife control expert impersonator.

an un-programmable animal.

a four footed allergen.

a hair relocation expert.

a treat-seeking missile.

a lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

One Liner

People don’t come in all shapes and sizes. We’re all mostly the same shape and a couple of different sizes. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came in all shapes and sizes.

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.

“Where have you worked as a glazier?” my son asked.

The man replied, “Dunkin’ Donuts.”

One Liner

Q:  What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck.

“Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?”

“No, I didn’t want her to think it was important enough to repeat.”

One Liner

Quoting one published author is plagiarism. Quoting many of them is research.

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. 

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” 

The man said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick.” 

This really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. 

The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” 

The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”

One Liner

Sleeping when you’re not supposed to is a lot easier than sleeping when you are.

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”

One Liner

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Where’s the kind word?”

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”

One Liner

It doesn’t matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

A teenage girl had been talking on her phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours or more. What happened?”

“Wrong number…” replied the girl.

One Liner

The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.