A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.
How about you?”

The one-dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.”

One Liner
Today’s weather?  Room temperature.

Recently my 7-year-old son was baptized at nearby Lake Tahoe. With tears streaming down my face, I watched as he came out of the water, then excitedly asked if he felt any different. 

“Yeah, Mom, I do,” he replied. “Now I have water up my nose!” 

One Liner
Did you hear about the perfectionist who walked into a bar?

It was too low.

Little Betsy had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, “Honey, what does baptism mean?” 

“Well, it isn’t the water that makes you clean …” she began. 

Smiling, Mother thought, Yes, she understands, “… it’s the soap.” 

One Liner
Better living through denial!

The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. 

The FBI agent in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asked the nervous bank teller, “Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?” 

“Yes,” the teller replied. “I notice that each time he comes into the bank he’s much better dressed.” 

One Liner
You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn’t tackled by security.

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

One Liner
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

REMEMBER: SENIOR CITIZENS ARE VALUABLE

We have silver in our hair. 

We have gold in our teeth. 

We have stones in our kidneys. 

We have lead in our feet and…

We are loaded with natural gas.

One Liner
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.