A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”
Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”
One Liner
Feels like we’re only 3-4 weeks away from learning everyone’s real hair color.
“Sally, can you spell ‘water’ for me?” The teacher asked.
“H I J K L M N 0,” answered Sally promptly.
Her teacher look puzzled. “That doesn’t spell “water.”
“Sure it does,” said Sally. “My daddy’s a scientist and he says water is H to O.”
One Liner
I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light that had a bumper sticker on it that said, Honk if you love Jesus.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know WHAT you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
One Liner
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!”
(Revelation 21:21 …. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.)
One Liner
I don’t want to say I’m old and worn-out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
My husband is a minister who conducts an expanded altar call at the end of his sermon. He asks those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, as well as those with prayers or other requests, to come forward.
To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without a word to me, got up and made her way forward. She waited patiently while the others ahead of her made a request.
When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask for her request. She whispered, “Can we go to the restaurant after church?”
One Liner
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, “Hello, this is a telephone poll.” The man replied, “Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!”
A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren’t hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, “Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam.”
Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla.
One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lions cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn’t yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, “Help! Help!”
About that time the lion spoke up and said, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”
One Liner
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
Theres a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited.
Finally the preacher said, “Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to show up.”
The cowboy responded, “Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!”
The preacher said “Okay,” and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon.
After it was over the cowboy said, “Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I dont give her the whole load!”
One Liner
Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year?
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any pain killers because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
One Liner
Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?
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