A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.

“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.”

“How long is that?” asks the girl.

“About three hundred years.”

One Liner
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

Father: What you want to be in your life? 

Son: A Doctor.

Father: What skills do you have of a doctor? 

Son: Doctor’s handwriting.

One Liner
A good speech needs a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. 

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber
replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

One Liner
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Father O’Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, “The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate.” 

He said to Paddy, “If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn’t you give half of it to the poor?” 

He said, “I would that, Father.” 

The priest said, “If you had two greyhounds, wouldn’t you give one of them to your neighbour next door?” 

Paddy said, “No.” 

The priest said, “And why not?” 

He said, “I have two greyhounds.” 

One Liner
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds. 

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you.” 

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he
croaks. 

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

One Liner
When a telemarketer calls and asks, “How are you today?” I say, “How long
you got?” That usually brings an end to his spiel.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help.
That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm!  He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

“Boss”, he said. “The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”

“That’s fine,” said the boss, “but where were you yesterday?”

One Liner
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry.

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas. 

The teacher said, “That is right, you get an ‘A’. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?”

A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, “That’s right, you get an ‘A’. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that’s easy, “Washington D.C.” 

The teacher gave him an A+.

One Liner
There’s a very effective new pasta diet: You just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping…

ST. PATRICK’S DAY GROANERS

Rim shots provided free of charge.

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
A: St. O’Claus.

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they’re green with envy.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they’re very short-tempered.

“I married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.”
“Oh, really?”
“No, O’Reilly!”

One Liner
Reading at the beach makes you well-red.