“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”

One Liner
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Thought for the day
“My God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19 NIV).

One of our biggest worries tends to be about our ability to provide for our needs.
But it shouldn’t be!

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter Kaitlyn staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth.

Kaitlyn looked puzzled. “She doesn’t know who Superman is?” I whispered to Jenny.

“Worse,” Jenny replied. “She doesn’t know what a phone booth is.”

One Liner
I scream, you scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

Thought for the day
“Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life” John 4:13-14

If you feel unsatisfied with your life and you want to live a fulfilled, meaningful life, you need to stop looking for satisfaction somewhere besides Jesus.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.” 

One Liner
I love being over 70.  I learn something new every day and forget five others.

Thought for the day
“It is the Lord who gives wisdom; from him come knowledge and understanding” Proverbs 2:6

You don’t hear God when your mind is filled with a thousand other distractions. To hear God, you’ve got to get near to God. You’ve got to get alone with God and be quiet.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered … “today,” a few … “yesterday,” and some … “can’t remember.”

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

~ Who IS this?

~ Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

~ Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

~ I don’t understand what you mean?

~ What now? Did you wreck the car again?

~ Am I dreaming?

~ Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

~ What did you do now?

~ If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

~ Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn’t it?

One Liner
I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Thought for the day
”All need to be made right with God by his grace, which is a free gift. They need to be made free from sin through Jesus Christ” Romans 3:24

Salvation is a gift, and you don’t work for a gift. It’s free! You can’t earn it, you can’t buy it, and you can’t work for it.

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”

One Liner
DANGER! I drive like you do.

Thought for the day
“If you can do anything, do it. Have a heart and help us!’ Jesus said, ‘If? There are no “ifs” among believers. Anything can happen.’ No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, ‘Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!’” Mark 9:22-24

Because God lets you begin with the faith you already have. It may be just a little, but that’s all you need to start.

A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.

On his deathbed he said to his wife, “Promise me that you’ll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!”

His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.

So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.

The wife’s friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, “Tell me you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!”

The wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?”

“I sure did,” said the dutiful wife. “I wrote him a check for the full amount.”

One Liner
You haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.

Thought for the day
Luke 6:27-28, “Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you”

Notice these three verbs: “do good,” “bless,” and “pray for.” A big part of forgiveness is responding to evil with good.