There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great,” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they’ve never dreamed of!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

One LINER
“I don’t make jokes, “Will Rogers once said truthfully. “I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Thought for the day
“Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty–he is the King of glory” (Psalm 24:8, 10 NIV).

Gratitude is one gauge that measures our dependence on God. The more dependent we are, the more grateful we become.

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother…

[Five minutes later]

“Mom…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later]

“Mom…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a glass of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later]

“Mommm…”

“WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

One Liner
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.

Thought for the day
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4 (NIV)

Each one of us needs other people to watch out for us – to defend us, protect us, and help us stay on track. In the book of Philippians, the apostle Paul tells us that we should look out for each other’s interests, not just our own

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

One Liner
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Thought for the day
Know the state of your flocks, and put your heart into caring for your herds, for riches don’t last forever …. Proverbs 27:23-24a (NLT)

If you spent as much time writing down your finances as you do worrying about them, you’d probably have a lot less to worry about. You need to keep good records if you want God’s blessing on your finances.

Seven Stages of Sickness for Married Couples

1ST YEAR: The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”

2ND YEAR: “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”

3RD YEAR: “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here?”

4TH YEAR: “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”

5TH YEAR: “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”

6TH YEAR: “You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”

7TH YEAR: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”

One LINER
If we were put on this earth to help others, what are the others here for?

Thought for the day
These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.  Mark 7:6

There should be no shortcuts when serving God but, your strict established routine is un-acceptable if you have a hard heart that cares only about the process.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.  He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string.  It’ll come back to ya.”

One LINER
Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, “Canned goods and ammunition

Thought for the day
“Your true life is not made up of the things you own, no matter how rich you may be” (Luke 12:15 TEV).

Your real life is not about what you own.

“Golf Ransom”

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. “Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again.”

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, “You’re three hours late. What took you so long?”

“Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 27 handicap.”

One Liner
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 1:9-10
He made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment – to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

Jesus is Lord! God’s plan was to bring unity in Christ by making him Lord of all! What area of our lives, our hearts, our secrets, our sin, our rebellion, have we not submitted to his lordship?