Alan asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”

Steve says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, “Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ………… just remember …………… I don’t mind going back to prison.”

One Liner
“Why are you driving me crazy when you know it’s within walking distance?”

Thought for the day
“The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread” Isaiah 8:13

Break the chains of fear and go after God’s vision for your life.

Get Out of The Car!
(purported to be a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

One Liner
If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren’t doing much at 20.

Thought for the day
“So I replied by sending this message to them: ‘I am doing a great work! I cannot stop to come and meet with you.’ Four times they sent the same message, and each time I gave the same reply” (Nehemiah 6:3-4 NLT).

We don’t need to fight with naysayers. It’s not worth it. Billy Graham once said, “you can wrestle with a pig, but only one of you is going to enjoy it”.

THINGS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT WHILE SINGING IN THE CHOIR

~ I wonder if anyone out there notices I forgot my lipstick this morning.

~ I wonder who in the congregation will fall asleep first today?

~ 90 minutes till kickoff.

~ How many more verses?

~ The pot roast.

~ Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

~ Wow, God loves me enough to let me sing in “His” choir.

One Liner
“Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation.”

Thought for the day 
Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults. 1 Corinthians 14:20 (NIV)

This is a difficult mental shift because we’re naturally self-absorbed; almost all advertising encourages us to think of ourselves. The only way we can make this mental switch is through a moment-by-moment dependence on God.

Things Kids Say ….

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

One Liner
To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.

Thought for the day
Take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4:22-24 (MSG)

God’s ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ. Becoming like Christ does not mean losing your personality or becoming a mindless clone

Some smart advice….

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

One Liner
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?! Man, that’s expensive.

Dentist: Okay, I’ll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

One Liner
“Things turn out the best for people who make the best of how things turn out.”
~ John Wooden

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

God waits for you to act first. Don’t wait to feel powerful or confident. Move ahead in your weakness, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings