A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

“Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?”

The cousin smirked and replied, “Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.”

One Liner
When your parakeet sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Thought for the day
Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? First, take the wood out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to take the dust out of your friend’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5 NCV)

When you are faced with a conflict, instead of accusing, attacking, or blaming the other person, begin with humility. This is true even if the conflict is 90% their fault.

Each person has their blindspots – No one is perfect and there are things we do that contribute toward a conflict that we have difficulty seeing.

Before you start attacking and blaming, Do a frank evaluation and ask, “How much of this conflict is my fault?” When you’re wrong, admit it. And when you’re right, shut up!

Coping with Life

Below are several things you can do to help keep a healthy level of insanity in your life… 🙂 🙂

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”

5. Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for blackmail.”

7. Don’t use any punctuation marks

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

10. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”

11. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

One Liner
“A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.”

Thought for the day
“Much of the Church body today is trying to receive from God through prayers and petitions, but they are not in fellowship; they are not in obedience. Jesus said loving Him involved obeying Him: ‘If ye love me, keep my commandments.’ (John 14:15).

Fellowship with God involves being obedient to Him, not out of ‘Phariseeism’ or legalism, but out of a heart that wants to know and be in fellowship with God by faith. Fellowship with the Father, fellowship with the Word, who is the Son, and fellowship with the Holy Spirit is what God desires.” – Henry Wright

A man who was riding on a bus went up to the driver and whispered in his ear, “That man back there sitting across from us is scaring my wife and children to death. He’s crazy! He claims he is George Washington.”

“Thanks for telling me, mister,” the bus driver said. “I’ll take care of him.”

At the next stop the driver shouted loud and clear, “This stop, Mt. Vernon.”

One Liner
My body is a temple…a really big temple.

Thought for the day
God says there is an antidote to our indecision. Psalm 23:3 tells us, “He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” We handle the stress of decision-making by letting God guide us.

A little boy is telling his Grandma how “everything” is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.

She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.

“Here, have some cooking oil.”

“Yuck” says the boy.

“How about a couple raw eggs? “

“Gross, Grandma!”

“Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?”

“Grandma, those are all yucky!”

To which Grandma replies: “Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!”

She continued, “God works the same way in our lives.”

One Liner
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Thought for the day
“When you extend hospitality to Christian brothers and sisters, even when they are strangers, you make the faith visible” (3 John 1:5 MSG).

When we invest our money in developing relationships within the Church, it points others to God. In other words, when you invest in the fellowship of your church, it helps bring people to Christ.

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!” the first one said.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented. “But I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth!”

One Liner
A true shepherd smells like the sheep.

Thought for the day
“So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.” (Philippians 3:15-16 MSG)

Imagine if God created you to be the Michelangelo of this age, but you stayed so busy doing all kinds of things — good things — that you never got around to painting and sculpting.

You’d end up missing the best because you got distracted chasing the good.

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”

The minister inquired trips to where? “For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”

The minister then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”

Brother Ralph: “I’m going back to get her.”

One Liner
“If you’re ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.”

Thought for the day
Psalm 34:8 says, “Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!” (NLT). That’s great news! When I trust in God — or take refuge in him — he brings joy. Instead of thinking of what we have to give up when we trust and obey God, the Lord wants us to remember the joy we’ll find when we obey.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the porridge yet!!”

One Liner
The devil cannot get a stronghold on your life unless you give him a foothold.

Thought for the day
You have an audience. Nothing you do is private. Nothing you have ever done has been hidden from heaven. God sees it all. As Job says, “He sees everything I do, and every step I take” (Job 31:4 LB). And Jesus tells us, “Every hair on your head has been counted” (Luke 12:7 GW). God knows every detail of your life. He watches every breath you take; there are no secrets in your life.

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?”

He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

The girl replies, “I want you to communicate,” and he says to her, “that word is too big. I have no idea what it means.”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

One Liner
“I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.”

Thought for the day
do what Proverbs 3 says: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Be patient. God knows what He’s doing. God knows what is best for you. He can see the end result. You can’t. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays—all the things that make you ask “why”—one day will all be clear in the light of God’s love.