Aboard an airline flight from Europe to America, Grandma Bern was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. “The chewing gum worked fine,” she said. “Now that we’ve arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”

One Liner
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 2 Peter 3:9, “The Lord isn’t being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent” (NLT).

The reason why God puts up with all the grief that he sees on this planet is because he’s being patient. And, he’s waiting for you to step across the line and start a relationship with him.

During a difficult physics lecture, a pre-med student interrupted: “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives,” the professor responded firmly, and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: “So, how exactly does physics save lives?”

The prof replied, “It keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

One liner
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism

Thought for the day
“Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do … I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!” (Malachi 3:10 NLT, second edition)

In effect, God is saying, “I dare you! I dare you to see what I will do if you become a giving, generous person. Tithe, and see what happens to your life.”

When I worked as a medical intern in a local hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.

It took me some time to understand that he had no insurance coverage.

One thing he had made clear was that he was a World War II veteran, so I had him transported to the Veteran’s Administration hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits.

The next day my patient was back, with a note from the VA: “Right war, wrong side.”

One Liner
Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 12:4-6, “There are different spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit gives them. There are different ways of serving, and yet the same Lord is served. There are different types of work to do, but the same God produces every gift in every person” (GW).

Special abilities. In the Bible, these special abilities are called spiritual gifts, which makes them different from material or physical gifts. They are the abilities you need to get the job done that God wants you to do. Most people who are believers don’t even know they’ve got them, much less know what they are. But you have them!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”

One Liner
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.

Thought for the day
“Do yourself a favor and learn all you can; then remember what you learn and you will prosper” (Proverbs 19:8 TEV). The solution to most of life’s problems is training. So learn all you can.

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged,
well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing
“Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals
each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the
man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, “I’m
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” she asks.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

One Liner
I’ve learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Thought for the day
People who excel keep their word. They are reliable. They can be counted on to do what they say they’ll do. They excel because people of integrity are rare in our society: “Everyone talks about how loyal and faithful he is, but just try to find someone who really is!” (Proverbs 20:6 TEV)

For the kid in all of us:

Q. What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine’s Day?
A. I love you a ton!

Q. What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine’s Day?
A. You mean a great dill to me!

Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine’s Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!

One Liner
Thinly sliced cabbage.
–Cole’s Law

Thought for the day
People who excel sharpen their skills. They never stop developing, growing, learning, and improving: “If your ax is dull and you don’t sharpen it, you have to work harder to use it. It is smarter to plan ahead” (Ecclesiastes 10:10 TEV). It takes more than desire to excel; it takes skill! Remember: You’re never wasting time when you’re sharpening your “ax.”

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader.

One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”

The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

One Liner
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peer’s Law

Thought for the day
People who excel work with enthusiasm. Regardless of whether the job is big or small, give it your best. Great performers give their best effort, no matter what the size of the audience: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people” (Colossians 3:23 TEV).

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Knock, Knock,
Who’s there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.