A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

One Liner
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Thought for the day
Job said, “I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread” (Job 23:12 NIV). God’s Word is the spiritual nourishment you must have to fulfill your purpose.

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.

Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,

“Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot.”

One Liner
No one is listening, until you make a mistake.

Thought for the day
God’s Word is unlike any other word. It is alive. Jesus said, “The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life” (John 6:63 NASB).

My boss phoned me today

He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”

I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped for a minute.”

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked

I said, “Of course, anything, what is it?”

He said, “Hurry up and take your shot, I’m right behind you on the 7th hole.”

One Liner
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Thought for the day
“God does speak—sometimes one way and sometimes another—even though people may not understand it.” (Job 33:14 NCV)

God designed you to hear his voice. In a sense, there is a “receiver” in you that allows you to get guidance from God.

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, “That’s OK, it’s in coupon heaven now.”

“Coupon heaven?” the checker said.

“Yes,” the woman said, “That’s where coupons go when they die.”

“Only the redeemed ones!” said the checker.

One Liner
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Thought for the day
The Bible teaches us that we are blessed not just so that we can feel good, not just so we can be happy and comfortable, but so that we will bless others. God told Abraham in Genesis 12:2, “I will bless you … and you will be a blessing” (NIV). This is the first law of blessing: It must flow outwardly. God promises that if we will concentrate on blessing others, he’ll take care of our needs.

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

One Liner
I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

Thought for the day
The world is so negative that the last thing kids need when they come home is more negativity. Colossians 3:21 says, “Do not nag your children. If you are too hard to please, they may want to stop trying” (NCV).

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

One Liner
“Background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.”

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 10:8 says, “When you work in a quarry, stones might fall and crush you! When you chop wood, there is danger with each stroke of your ax! Such are the risks of life” (NLT). There’s nothing we can do that doesn’t have some element of risk in it.

But the greatest risk of all is how we relate to other people and how we relate to God – the risk to do something about those relationships.

Guaranteed to roll your eyes:

What did the mushroom say when he was kicked out of the nightclub?

“Don’t kick me out, I’m a fun-guy!”

One Liner
Confidence is that feeling you have just before you fully understand the situation.

Thought for the day
At its core, confidence is a spiritual problem. There’s plenty of phony advice in the world about how to gain confidence. Yet none of it works. The secret to confidence is to get in tune with God every day.

The Bible says, “Reverence for the Lord gives confidence and security to a man and his family” (Proverbs 14:26 GNB).

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, “Do you pray for the senators?”

He quickly replied, “No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people.”

One Liner
I’m not bald…I’m just taller than my hair.

Thought for the day
“…it is a serious mistake to suppose that to be filled with the Spirit of Jesus Christ is a kind of spiritual inebriation in which we lose control of ourselves. On the contrary, self control is the final quality named as the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. Under the influence of the Spirit, we do not lose control; we gain it.” – John Stott