A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven.”
One Liner
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
An old wild west fort was about to be attacked. The wily old general sent for his trusty Sioux scout.
“You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”
The trusty scout laid down and put his ear to the ground.
“Large war party,” he said, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint; Many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”
“Good grief!” exclaimed the general, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”
“No,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate.”
One Liner
A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.
A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”
He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”
One Liner
One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.
“You just go ahead,” the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. “While you’re shopping, I’ll browse in the hardware store.”
An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
“Are you buying all this?” his wife asked incredulously.
“Well, yes,” he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, “But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind!”
One Liner
There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point hes going to face time.
Two factory workers were talking. “I know how to get some time off from work,” said the man.
“How do you think you will do that?” said the other. He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
“I’m a light bulb” answered the guy.
“I think you need some time off,” said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The second worker began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
“Home. I can’t work in the dark.”
One Liner
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?”
The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?”
The old man puts his arm around the old woman.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?”
To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are you going?” she says.
The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”
The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”
One Liner
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, thats not going to happen.
A bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish! Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said, ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”
One Liner
I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”
1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”
One Liner
I’ve failed math so many times, I can’t even count.
