A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons–a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake.

The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember What Would Jesus Do. She said that Jesus would say: “Let my brother have the first pancake.”

The 5-yr-old quickly turned to the 3-yr-old and said, “You play Jesus.”

One Liner

Apparently, you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

Little Johnny’s family had guests for dinner. 

The dessert was apple pie. Mom cut the pieces and Little Johnny carried them to the table. 

He gave the first piece to Dad, who passed it to a guest. 

Little Johnny came in with the second piece and gave it to Dad, who again gave it to a guest. 

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”

One Liner

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.

Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”

One Liner

What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, “What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?”

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, “Take off your boots, sir, and count them yourself.”

One Liner

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of ignorant.

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

One Liner

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

One Liner

I have Kleptomania, but I’m taking something for it.

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one.

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. “Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.”

One Liner

The best auto safety device is a rear-view mirror with a police car in it.

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. 

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it!”

One Liner

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

Me to the postal carrier: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.

Postal carrier: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?

Me: We had an argument, and she’s not talking to me.

One Liner

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 

Blanche: Herb, if you don’t stop snoring, I’m going to toss you out on your ear!

Herb: Does it upset you that much?

Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.

One Liner

I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.