An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. 
“Sir, what is the secret of your long life?” The man considered this for a moment, then replied “Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I’ve heard.” 

The reporter replied, “That’s ALL?” 

The man smiled, “That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic.” 

One Liner

When a woman says, “What?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. 
She is giving you a chance to change what you said… 

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
Part 2

~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. 

~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. 

~ You can’t unsay a cruel word. 

~ Every path has a few puddles. 

~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. 

~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.

~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. 

One Liner

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown ……. Ever noticed that all our problems start with MEN? 

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
Part 1

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.  

~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. 

~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. 

~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled. 

~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. 

One Liner

I’m tired of reality — I want a fairy godmother!

An old man, because of his grumpy miserly ways, had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and minister to gather around his bedside. 

“I have always heard you can’t take it with you, but I am going to prove you can,” he said. “I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It’s in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in.”

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. 

On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, “I don’t feel exactly right. I’m going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we’re building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave.”

The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000.”

The lawyer said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”

One Liner

What steps should you take if you ever come across a dangerous animal in the wilderness? Very large ones.

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”

“She did,” he replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!”

One Liner

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law’s house one year at the holidays.  I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).

Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes.  I was going to call it, “The Buck Stops Here,” and my slogan was going to be, “Bambi: You’ve seen the movie. Now, eat the star!”

One Liner

The sign on the elevator door read, “This elevator is out of whack.”
By the next day someone used a crayon to add “More whack is on order.”

While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, “Can I get something blown up down there?”

After a pause, the voice on the line replied, “I think you want the chemistry lab.”

One Liner

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?” 

“I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny. 

“Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?” 

“Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

One Liner

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

THE TOP SEVEN THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM

7. Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

6. You guys ever eat camel meat?  I hear it tastes like goat.

5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?

3. Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?

2. Okay, whose camel just spit?

1. All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

One Liner

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.