I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.
Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. “I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”
One Liner
He knew everything, but that’s all.
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Mr. Smith. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
One Liner
Dogs must think their masters are hypocrites for constantly using the restroom in the house.
Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied, “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
One Liner
If I were a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with his wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!”
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, “What’s the good news?”
“Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!” the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man’s son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
One Liner
A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think of that? No. You only think of yourself.
The man’s wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.
One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
One Liner
A chicken nugget is a meatball. And nothing can change that fact.
A horse walked into a soda fountain and ordered an ice cream sundae with chocolate ice cream and strawberry syrup, sprinkled with nuts.
The young man behind the counter brought the sundae to the horse, who finished it off with great pleasure.
Noticing how the young man stared at him as he ate, the horse said, “I suppose you think it’s strange that a horse should come into a soda fountain and order a sundae with chocolate ice cream and strawberry syrup, sprinkled with nuts?”
“Not at all,” the young man replied. “I like it that way myself.”
One Liner
Cinderella implies that it is impossible for 2 people to have the exact same shoe size.
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you. I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
One Liner
If you want to trick a genie then all you have to do is write everything you want down on a piece of paper and then wish for everything on that paper to become true.
A man was returning from a pilgrimage to France. As he was in line at the
customs gate, an agent suspiciously eyed a bottle hidden in the man’s
luggage.
“And what’s this, sir?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s a bottle of holy water from Lourdes,” said the man.
The agent uncorked the bottle, took one whiff and said, “This is wine!”
“Wine?!” cried the man. “Praise the Lord, another miracle!!!”
One Liner
Mix a four-leaf clover with poison ivy and you get a rash of good luck.
As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, “Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist.”
One Liner
When it comes to giving, some men stop at nothing.
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10.”
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned over, and respectfully told her, “You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000.
“Well, please let me have $3000 now.” The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
The moral of this tale: Don’t be difficult with old people, they’ve spent a lifetime learning the skills.
One Liner
Money doesn’t go as far as it used to. But it does go FASTER.
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