CHRISTMAS COOKIE RULES

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie-free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calories free (see rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five – one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching “A Christmas Story” have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes caloric leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories.

One Liner

If Santa ran out of money, would he be Saint Nickel-less?

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir. 

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “I will have you sing tenor.” 

“You mean right next to the baritones,” I asked? 

“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir.”

One Liner

I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?! 

It was the night of the children’s Christmas play and little Johnny was upset because he didn’t get the part of Joseph. He was assigned the inn keeper.

Because he was still bitter, when Joseph and Mary arrived at the inn to ask if there was room, little Johnny threw the play by saying, “Sure, come on in!”

Joseph was at first taken aback, but with quick wit, stepped in, looked around and said, “This place is a dump. I’d rather stay in the barn.”

One Liner

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf. 

THE GIFTS NOT WANTED

~ The Duncan Yo — Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.

~ 5,200 Pick Up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.

~ Super Soaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.

~ Doggie Dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

~ Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.

~ Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.

One Liner

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

Elf: “Santa, we’ve finished making mints for every child.”

Santa: “Mints?”

Elf: “Yeah, you said make Altoids.”

Santa: “I said make all toys.”

Elf: “Altoids!”

Santa: “All toys.”

Elf: “Well this is a disappoint-mint.”

One Liner

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you. Someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”

One Liner

Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

Two friends are chatting…

“I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish.”

“What is your wish?”

“That somebody would give me two million dollars.”

One Liner

Here I am!!!  What are your other two wishes?

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

One Liner

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. 

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. 

To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

One Liner

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

MESSAGES FROM KIDS TO THE MILITARY

“My life is great and I love my family I get to be with because your life is awful.”

“Fingers crossed you make it friend.”

“I’m Jenny from third grade and if you die it’s going to be okay.”

“Dear hero, thank you for your service, I sent some candy but don’t eat too much or you won’t be able to run away fast enough.”

“My teacher said I had to write something. Enjoy the candy.”

“Dear deployed person, hope they don’t make you stay deployed, good luck!”

One Liner

Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.