Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “Amen, Brother!”

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “Preach it Reverend!”

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “Right on, Brother! Tell it like it is…Amen!”

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s just meddling!”

One Liner
It is no illusion that wide ties make the face look wider.

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.” 

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!” 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!” 

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

One Liner
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. 

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. 

“Here’s a copy of the service,” the pastor said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.” 

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” 

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” 

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

One Liner
Break a bad habit – Drop it.

A muscular young man at the construction site bragged that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes, an older (and wiser) worker had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” said the older fellow. “I bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, “All right. Get in.”

One Liner
We do precision guesswork. 

A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn’t swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

“Is it true?” the newcomer asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No I can’t,” the captain replied. “Can pilots fly?”

One Liner
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them. 

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. 

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.  

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. 

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. 

Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again.”

One Liner
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

“Morris,” said grandma, “You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years! How come you get lost today?”

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,

“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

One Liner
Ambivialent? Well, yes and no.

Mom and Dad were trying to console the little kid. “You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died”. 
    The little kid was having none of it. 
    Dad said, “You know, he’s probably up in heaven right now with God.” 
    The little kid paused a moment, and looking puzzled, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?” 

One Liner
Why does sour cream have an expiration date? 

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. 

It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'” 

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

One Liner
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.