Recently my 7-year-old son was baptized at nearby Lake Tahoe. With tears streaming down my face, I watched as he came out of the water, then excitedly asked if he felt any different. 

“Yeah, Mom, I do,” he replied. “Now I have water up my nose!” 

One Liner
Did you hear about the perfectionist who walked into a bar?

It was too low.

Little Betsy had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, “Honey, what does baptism mean?” 

“Well, it isn’t the water that makes you clean …” she began. 

Smiling, Mother thought, Yes, she understands, “… it’s the soap.” 

One Liner
Better living through denial!

The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. 

The FBI agent in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asked the nervous bank teller, “Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?” 

“Yes,” the teller replied. “I notice that each time he comes into the bank he’s much better dressed.” 

One Liner
You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn’t tackled by security.

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

One Liner
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

REMEMBER: SENIOR CITIZENS ARE VALUABLE

We have silver in our hair. 

We have gold in our teeth. 

We have stones in our kidneys. 

We have lead in our feet and…

We are loaded with natural gas.

One Liner
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!” 

One Liner
Feels like we’re only 3-4 weeks away from learning everyone’s real hair color.

“Sally, can you spell ‘water’ for me?” The teacher asked.

“H I J K L M N 0,” answered Sally promptly.

Her teacher look puzzled. “That doesn’t spell “water.”

“Sure it does,” said Sally. “My daddy’s a scientist and he says water is H to O.”

One Liner
I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light that had a bumper sticker on it that said, “Honk if you love Jesus.” 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20  times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” 

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know WHAT you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly.”

“Good,” the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

One Liner
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

(Revelation 21:21 …. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.)

One Liner
I don’t want to say I’m old and worn-out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

My husband is a minister who conducts an expanded altar call at the end of his sermon. He asks those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, as well as those with prayers or other requests, to come forward. 

To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without a word to me, got up and made her way forward. She waited patiently while the others ahead of her made a request. 

When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask for her request. She whispered, “Can we go to the restaurant after church?” 

One Liner
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, “Hello, this is a telephone poll.”  The man replied, “Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!”