The man’s wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.

One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

One Liner

A chicken nugget is a meatball. And nothing can change that fact. 

A horse walked into a soda fountain and ordered an ice cream sundae with chocolate ice cream and strawberry syrup, sprinkled with nuts. 

The young man behind the counter brought the sundae to the horse, who finished it off with great pleasure. 

Noticing how the young man stared at him as he ate, the horse said, “I suppose you think it’s strange that a horse should come into a soda fountain and order a sundae with chocolate ice cream and strawberry syrup, sprinkled with nuts?”

“Not at all,” the young man replied. “I like it that way myself.”

One Liner

Cinderella implies that it is impossible for 2 people to have the exact same shoe size.

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you. I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

One Liner

If you want to trick a genie then all you have to do is write everything you want down on a piece of paper and then wish for everything on that paper to become true.

A man was returning from a pilgrimage to France. As he was in line at the
customs gate, an agent suspiciously eyed a bottle hidden in the man’s
luggage. 

“And what’s this, sir?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s a bottle of holy water from Lourdes,” said the man.

The agent uncorked the bottle, took one whiff and said, “This is wine!”

“Wine?!” cried the man. “Praise the Lord, another miracle!!!”

One Liner

Mix a four-leaf clover with poison ivy and you get a rash of good luck.

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife, “Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One Liner

When it comes to giving, some men stop at nothing.

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned over, and respectfully told her, “You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000.

“Well, please let me have $3000 now.” The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

The moral of this tale: Don’t be difficult with old people, they’ve spent a lifetime learning the skills.

One Liner

Money doesn’t go as far as it used to. But it does go FASTER.

A mother mouse and her daughter are suddenly attacked by a cat!  The mother mouse yells, “WOOF! ARF! WOOF!!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother to the daughter. “It’s important to know a foreign language!”

One Liner

My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”

“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”

One Liner

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” 

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. 

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. 

No sooner than they got the boots off he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.” 

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. 

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” 

He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

One Liner

A good way to lose weight: Put the scale in front of the refrigerator.

A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, “Mom, does that hurt?”

“Oh, yes, it does,” she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.

“Wow,” said the kid. “Does it hurt the mother, too?” 

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner

I started with nothing, and I have most of it left.