A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”

One Liner
Every new morning brings us as much of God’s grace as we need for the day.

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have mixed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

One Liner
How do you know you are out of invisible ink?

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

Remembering her, the clerk remarked, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

One Liner
An apple a day keeps the doctor away; a garlic a day keeps everyone away!

A man walking with his friend says, “I’m a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “How so?”

“My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.”

One Liner
Sometimes I think I understand everything – but then I regain consciousness.

My pastor and his extended family were playing the game Jelly Belly’s Bean Boozled at a holiday gathering. (In the game you spin and it lands on a jellybean color with two possible flavors – one good and one bad. For instance, black could be licorice or skunk spray. You have to eat it without knowing which it will be.)

During the game his 8-year-old grandson spun the color for pear or boogers. The grandson was a bit skittish about eating the jellybean. His father leaned over to him and whispered, “Son, it shouldn’t be bad. You eat your boogers all the time.” 

To which his son promptly replied, “Yeah Dad, but I hate pears.”

One Liner
People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?” 

“Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?'”

One Liner
We waste time, so you don’t have to. 

A grandmother took her little grandson to the beach.  They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea!

The grandmother fell on her knees and cried to the heavens: “Please, Lord, return my grandson!  Please!  PLEASE!!!”

Lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the drenched child at her feet. She checked him over head to toe.  He was fine!

The grandmother looked up to the heavens again and said sternly: “He had a hat.”

One Liner
She wouldn’t try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

An older couple is having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He’s gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair. 

The woman turns to her husband and says, “Look at the couple over there. Look how close that man is to his wife, how he’s talking to her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don’t you ever do that?” 

Her husband looks up from his Caesar salad and glances over at the next booth. Then he turns to his wife and says, “Honey, I don’t even know that woman.”

One Liner
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. 

But, this morning, I accidentally drove by the bakery and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. 

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, “Lord, it’s up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, please create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.” 

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! 

God is good!

One Liner
Some people say that Išm superficial, but thatšs just on the surface.

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

One Liner
Punctual people have nothing better to do.