A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren’t hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, “Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam.”

Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla. 

One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lion’s cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn’t yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, “Help! Help!” 

About that time the lion spoke up and said, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

One Liner
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

There’s a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited. 

Finally the preacher said, “Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to show up.” 

The cowboy responded, “Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!” 

The preacher said “Okay,” and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon. 

After it was over the cowboy said, “Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I don’t give her the whole load!”

One Liner
Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? 

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. 

“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any pain killers because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” 

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” 

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

One Liner
Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef? 

A lawyer, who had a wife and 8 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had / children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie. 

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 7 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. 

He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked: “How many children do you have?”

He answered: “Eight.” 

The agent asked, “Where are the others?” 

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

One Liner
Why doesn’t somebody cross electric blankets with toasters so we could pop out of bed each morning?

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1989.” 

 “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. 
 
“No,” said the husband, “a 1989 Cadillac.” 

One Liner
“I don’t make jokes, “Will Rogers once said truthfully. “I just watch the government and report the facts.”

FELINE PHYSICS OR CAT LAWS 

LAW OF CAT INERTIA:  A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 

LAW OF CAT MOTION:  A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS:  Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat. 

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION:  Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY:  All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT:  A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 

LAW OF PILL REJECTION:  Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity. 

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION:  A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter. 

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM:  Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space. 

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE:  As yet undiscovered.

One Liner
The chance of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.

“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.

“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.” 

One Liner
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that “God loves a cheerful giver.” 

As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. 

The boy replied, “The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!”  

One Liner
I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

At 6 years old, “Mommy, I love you.”

At 10 years old, “Mom, whatever”

At 16, “My mom is so annoying.”

At 18, “I wanna leave this house.”

At 25, “Mom, you were right.” 

At 30, “I wanna go to Mom’s house”

At 50, “I don’t wanna lose my Mom.” 

One Liner
I’d be an ideal mother if it wasn’t for my kids.

My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though.

“Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”

They shot in the air three times, but no one came.

After a while, they tried it again.

Still no response.

When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, “It better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”

One Liner
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.