A nursery school teacher was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
One Liner
4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions.
Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, “What is the biggest number in the world?”
As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, “Dad, what number comes just before infinity?”
One Liner
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”
One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”
One Liner
Sometimes the garbage disposal gods demand the offering of a spoon.
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The congregation cried, “Amen!”
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river.”
The congregation cried, “Amen!”
“And if I had all the whiskey and the rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river.”
And the congregation cried, “Amen!”
After the sermon the preacher sat down. The deacon stood up: “For our closing hymn,” he announced, “let us turn to page 126 and sing, ‘We Shall Gather at the River.'”
One Liner
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
“I have the most unusual act,” he announces. “I’m sure it will amaze you.”
He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario says, “Is that all you’ve got? Bird impressions?”
One Liner
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people that were here last year.”
A DIETER’S PRAYER
Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates, I’ll never mutter,
For the road to Hell is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed and cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South — Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
One Liner
To err is human, but its against company policy.
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”
One Liner
Tonight’s weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
One Liner
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at
it, isn’t he?”
One Liner
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, Matey!”
I’m a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
“Mom, guess what!” I overheard him exclaim. “I tested positive for tuba!”
One Liner
When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
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