I’m a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened. 

Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother. 

“Mom, guess what!” I overheard him exclaim. “I tested positive for tuba!”

One Liner
When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. 

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you people don’t let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop.”

One Liner
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”

A voice from the crowd says: “There’s a calendar behind you.”

One Liner
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and told my dog…we laughed a lot.

I walked into doctor’s office and said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”

The doctor replied, “Well, don’t go there any more.”

One Liner
Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3 to 1.

A thief almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre!

He managed to smuggle the artwork past security, but was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas.

When a reporter asked how he could mastermind such a crime and yet make such an obvious error, he replied:

“Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)

One Liner
I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

Customer on phone: “We need to order some four-by-twos.”

Lumber clerk: “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

Customer: “Let me check …” <silence> “… Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

Clerk: “All right. How long do you need them?”

Customer: “I’d better go check …” <silence> “… A long time. We’re gonna build a house.” 

One Liner
Went to a new restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Boss – Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.

Me – Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss – What time will you get here?

Me – Monday.

One Liner
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I might be a typo.”

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.
How about you?”

The one-dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.”

One Liner
Today’s weather?  Room temperature.

Recently my 7-year-old son was baptized at nearby Lake Tahoe. With tears streaming down my face, I watched as he came out of the water, then excitedly asked if he felt any different. 

“Yeah, Mom, I do,” he replied. “Now I have water up my nose!” 

One Liner
Did you hear about the perfectionist who walked into a bar?

It was too low.

Little Betsy had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, “Honey, what does baptism mean?” 

“Well, it isn’t the water that makes you clean …” she began. 

Smiling, Mother thought, Yes, she understands, “… it’s the soap.” 

One Liner
Better living through denial!