As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”
One Liner
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:
She: “What do you want, Sonny?”
He: “D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma’am?”
She: “Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?”
He: “S-s-sorry, Ma’am … W-w-what about vinegar bottles?”
One Liner
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?”
The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.
“I’m driving.”
“Thats the quickest way.”
One Liner
When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large
suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they
were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they
would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant
task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad
stories the rest of the way.”
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the
car.”
One Liner
What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing
it?
A little boy in a store had been pawing over a stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”
The boy shook his head and answered, “Got any like a blank report card?”
One Liner
Instead of cleaning the house, I just turn off the lights.
“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”
“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
One Liner
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
One Liner
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home.
When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, “It’s good to see you.”
His reply, “It’s better to be seen than to be viewed.”
One Liner
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get, the faster it goes.
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.
“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.”
“How long is that?” asks the girl.
“About three hundred years.”
One Liner
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
Father: What you want to be in your life?
Son: A Doctor.
Father: What skills do you have of a doctor?
Son: Doctor’s handwriting.
One Liner
A good speech needs a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
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