An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. 

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber
replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

One Liner
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Father O’Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, “The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate.” 

He said to Paddy, “If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn’t you give half of it to the poor?” 

He said, “I would that, Father.” 

The priest said, “If you had two greyhounds, wouldn’t you give one of them to your neighbour next door?” 

Paddy said, “No.” 

The priest said, “And why not?” 

He said, “I have two greyhounds.” 

One Liner
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds. 

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you.” 

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he
croaks. 

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

One Liner
When a telemarketer calls and asks, “How are you today?” I say, “How long
you got?” That usually brings an end to his spiel.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help.
That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm!  He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

“Boss”, he said. “The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”

“That’s fine,” said the boss, “but where were you yesterday?”

One Liner
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry.

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas. 

The teacher said, “That is right, you get an ‘A’. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?”

A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, “That’s right, you get an ‘A’. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that’s easy, “Washington D.C.” 

The teacher gave him an A+.

One Liner
There’s a very effective new pasta diet: You just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping…

ST. PATRICK’S DAY GROANERS

Rim shots provided free of charge.

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
A: St. O’Claus.

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they’re green with envy.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they’re very short-tempered.

“I married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.”
“Oh, really?”
“No, O’Reilly!”

One Liner
Reading at the beach makes you well-red.

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital. What was their reaction?

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”
The pediatricians said, “Grow up.”
The proctologists said, “We are in arrears.”
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

One Liner
To make a long story short … don’t tell it.

My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los Angeles Dodgers one night.

Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.

Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.

As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said, “That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?”

One Liner
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

One Liner
Pride goeth before a downsizing.

One Sunday a pastor found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool.”

Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: “I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.”

One Liner
My weight is perfect for my height – which varies.