It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and He shows up.”

One Liner
I just finished my 90-day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

Thought for the day
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”
1 Corinthians 15:33 NIV

God wants you to have non-believers as friends. He wants you to love everyone, show kindness to everyone, and help everyone you can. If you don’t have any non-Christian friends, you won’t be around anyone you can share the Good News with.

But your best friends should be Christians. They should be strong believers.

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.

When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.

“Make sure these hash browns are hot,” she said, “because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones.”

One Liner
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet!

Thought for the day
“Since only your rules can give me wisdom and understanding, no wonder I hate every false teaching.”  Psalm 119:104 TLB

The only way to really know what’s fake is to know what’s real.

Earl knocked on the front door, which was answered by Shirley.

“Is Bud in?” he asked.

Shirley didn’t like Earl, Bud’s friend, so she wasn’t friendly.

“Yes, but he’s in the shower. What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing, Shirley. How ya doing?”

“As I said, what do you want?”

Earl wasn’t deterred by her chilliness. “You know, Shirley,” he said, “I’ve wanted to do something for a long time.”

“What’s that?” Shirley asked, with an icy stare.

“I’ve wanted to give you a kiss,” he said, “and this seems to be a good opportunity. I’ll give you $100 for a kiss on the lips. How about it?”

“You’ll pay me $100 for a kiss on the lips?” Shirley asked him.

“Yes,” and he pulled out a 100-dollar bill and gave it to her.

“I knew you were a loser, Earl, but I didn’t know you were so desperate. Okay, I’ll do it.” She looked up and down the street to see that nobody was looking and she leaned over and gave Earl a nice, little kiss on his lips.

“Oh, that was good,” Earl said. “But I have another proposition. How about a real kiss with your arms wrapped around my neck? I’ll pay you $400 this time.”

Shirley didn’t want to go through this again, especially with Earl, but she knew she could use the money.

She considered the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’ll do it but I want the cash first.”

“Sure,” Earl told her. “Here you are.” He handed her four 100-dollar bills, puckered up, and closed his eyes with anticipation.

Shirley, not wanting to fulfil her promise but wanting the easy money, then wrapped her arms around Earl’s neck and planted one of the best kisses on his lips that she’d ever given any man.

“Wow, that was great,” Earl told her. “Thanks, Shirley. Tell Bud I dropped by.” With that, he walked away.

After tucking the money into her pocket, Shirley walked into the kitchen where she met Bud, who asked her, “Who was that at the door?”

“It was your friend, Earl,” she told him.

“I wish I had answered the door,” Bud said. “That guy owes me $500.”

One Liner
This time last month, we were upset because the pizza delivery was five minutes late.

Thought for the day
Joshua 1:8 says of God’s Word, “Never stop reciting these teachings. You must think about them night and day so that you will faithfully do everything written in them. Only then will you prosper and succeed”  GW

God’s not a liar. This is his promise to you. If you want to be successful and prosperous in life, study his Word continuously.

A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can’t help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, “Mrs. Jones, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.”

“That’s okay,” she says. “They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.”

One Liner
On dating app: “Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.”

Thought for the day
“Then Daniel went home and told his friends Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah what had happened. He urged them to ask the God of heaven to show them his mercy by telling them the secret, so they would not be executed along with the other wise men of Babylon”  Daniel 2:17-18 NLT

Daniel realized this was a big request. The kingdom hung in the balance. The king wasn’t thinking clearly. He was about to kill everyone on his court! So Daniel got his prayer team going.

You don’t need a lot of people as part of your prayer team. But you do need four or five friends who will pray with you in times just like these.

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

One Liner
Have you noticed? All those instruments that are seeking intelligent life in the universe — telescopes, radio antennas, cameras, detectors — they’re all pointed away from Earth.

Thought for the day
“God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners”  Romans 5:8 NLT.

Everything that Jesus did for you, he did out of love. The Bible says that God made you to love you. The only reason you’re alive is because you were made to be loved by God.

A new prisoner is placed in his cell. Before long it is time for “lights out” and the cellblock becomes dark and nearly silent.

Eventually a voice from the darkness cries out: “Twenty-two!” and everyone breaks out into raucous laughter. A while later another voice calls out “Forty-one!” and again the entire cellblock hoots and roars.
The new prisoner asks the guy in the next cell: “What’s going on?”

The guy says: “We’ve been here so long, we all know each other’s jokes.  So we assigned numbers to them, and when we want to tell a joke we just use the number.”

The new prisoner decides to give it a try. He calls out: “Eighteen!”

No response whatsoever … not even a snicker.

The guy in the next cell says: “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke.”

One Liner
Can a person be chalant?

Thought for the day
“There is no condemnation now for those who live in union with Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1 TEV

God knows that failure is part of life. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He’s not surprised when we mess up. In fact, he sent Jesus to clean up our mess. He didn’t send him to point an accusing finger.

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”

“Oh, great,” the man said, “What is it?”

“It’s called the door.”

One Liner
“Nothing is impossible”? Try slamming a revolving door.

Thoughts for the day
“The things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others” (2 Timothy 2:2 NIV).

If you want the special blessing of God on your life, you need to learn from other believers who are more mature than you, and you need to mentor believers who are younger than you.

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, “Reverend, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”

To which he replies, “Sorry ma’am, I’m in sales, not management.”

One Liner
He’s been pressing 40 so long, it’s pleated.

Thought for the day
Mindful breathing is a reminder that your need for intimacy with God is like your need to breathe in air. King David sang, “I live and breathe God” (Psalm 34:2).

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do.

Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate…why am I still driving around in a thimble?

One Liner
Contents may have settled out of court.

Thought for the day
When you’re lonely, where is God? He’s where he has always been: right beside you. He is with you even if you don’t feel it. The Bible says over and over that if you have a relationship with Christ, God is with you all the time. He says, “I am with you always, to the very end of the age” Matthew 28:20 NIV. He’s always with you. You’re never really fully alone.