An airhead calls to order a pizza.  The clerk asks, “Do you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?”

The airhead answers, “Oh just six – I could never eat 12 pieces of pizza!”

One Liner
I can’t complain. But sometimes I still do.

Thought for the day
“Lord, take notice of the threats they have made, and allow us, your servants, to speak your message with all boldness”  Acts 4:29 GNT

The answer to your fear isn’t to give in to it. It’s to move forward boldly in spite of it. You stand up to the fear. Fear doesn’t respond to logic, so your only chance to get rid of the fear is to trust God and face the fear.

While driving truck I once had to make a delivery to Death Valley, California.

When I arrived it was 128 degrees Fahrenheit. After just a few minutes I was so miserable I was afraid I was going to die.

After a couple hours, it was still 128 degrees, but I was so miserable that I was afraid I wasn’t going to die.

One Liner
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Thought for the day
“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” Philippians 2:4 NIV

If you want to connect with people, you start with their needs, not your own. Start with theirhurts, not your own. Start with what they want, not what you want. There’s an old Chinese saying that says this: “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that is red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

One Liner
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

Thought for the day
“All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need” Acts 2:44-45 NIV

These early Christians didn’t just give their money. They were generous with everything they had. You could say they were radically generous.

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.  He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”

“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

One Liner
Why be difficult?  Put in some effort and be impossible.

Thought for the day
“In Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others” Romans 12:5 NIV

While your relationship to Christ is personal, God never intends it to be private. In God’s family you are connected to every other believer

The following sign hangs in a local auto-repair garage:
AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST:

Ping-Ping-Ping………$35.00
Plunk-Ping-Plunk……$50.00
Klunk-Ping-Klunk….$125.00
Thud-Klunk-Thud…..$200.00
Clang-Thud-Klank….$325.00

One Liner
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!

Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” Genesis 2:18 NIV

We are created for community, fashioned for fellowship, and formed for a family, and none of us can fulfill God’s purposes by ourselves. The Bible knows nothing of solitary saints or spiritual hermits.

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.  Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve spent the winter in Florida.”

One Liner
First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s NOT mess this up!

Thought for the day
“God’s family is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15 GW).

You are called to belong, not just believe.

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, “The choir was awful this morning.”

The father commented, “The sermon was too long.”

Their 7-year-old daughter added, “You’ve got to admit it was a pretty good show for only a dollar.”

One Liner
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

Thought for the day
‘Do not be worried and upset,’ Jesus told them. ‘Believe in God and believe also in me’” John 14:1 GNT

You don’t have to go the rest of your life in constant worry, being uptight, having your stomach in a knot, or feeling tense. Anything that’s learned can be unlearned. So let’s start unlearning worry!

Two friends drove by a gas station.

The first one says, “These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!”

The second replies, “It doesn’t affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth.”

One Liner
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.

Thought for the day
“God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus”  Philippians 4:19 ESV

God, however, is never lost. And there is nothing you need that God can’t supply.

Two cab drivers met.

“Hey,” asked one, “what’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”

“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

One Liner
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.

Thought for the day
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”  Proverbs 15:1 NIV

Gentleness defuses conflict. It deescalates anger.

When someone raises their voice in anger, instead of getting defensive, practice gentleness. Let your gentle answer disarm the other person and diffuse the situation.

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

She’s still laughing.

One Liner
I can’t exercise, because when I do, I start to sweat and burn off fat; it smells like bacon and makes me hungry.

Thought for the day
“You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?.”   James 2:19-20 NLT

Did you know the Devil believes in Jesus? So do the demons. But you won’t find any of them in heaven.

Why? Because saying you believe in Jesus doesn’t mean you have faith in him. It also doesn’t mean you trust him to fulfill his promises.

James says faith is more than just intellectual knowledge. Faith is something you do. It’s active, not passive. Real faith involves making a commitment to trust in Jesus