CATS’ FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

1. Up on the Mousetop

2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

3. Joy to the Curled

4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

5. The First Meow

6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

7. Silent Mice

8. Fluffy, the Snowman

9. Jingle Balls

10. Wreck the Halls

One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

* Olive, the other reindeer.

* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say 

* Sleep in heavenly peas 

* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown 

* You’ll go down in listerine 

* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay 

* Come, froggy faithful 

* You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

One Liner
What is King Wenceslas’ favorite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp, and even.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: (Part 1)

* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly 

* We three kings of porridge and tar

* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me 

* Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

* He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.

* Noel, noel, noel, noel; Barney’s the king of Israel.

* With the jelly toast proclaim

One Liner
No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

Soon we started getting cards from friends signed “The Modest Morrisons,” “The Clever Clarks,” and “The Successful Smiths.”

Then it hit me.

I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with “Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs.”

One Liner
Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

 CHRISTMAS LETTER FROM JESUS

When you look for me at Christmas, you won’t need a special star.

I’m no longer just in Bethlehem, I’m right here where you are.

You may not be aware of me amid the celebrations.

You’ll have to look beyond the stores and all the decorations.

But if you take a moment from your list of things to do,

To close your eyes and say a prayer, I’m waiting here for you.

You’re the one I want to be with.  You’re the reason that I came!

And you’ll find me in the stillness

Where I’m whispering your name.

One Liner
Dance like Frosty. Shine like Rudolph. Give like Santa. Love like Jesus

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. 

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her phone. “Where are you? the wife said. “You know we have lots to do.” 

He replied, “Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn’t afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?” 

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop” she replied. 

“Well, I’m in the video game store next to that.”

One Liner
It’s either serial killer documentaries or Christmas specials. We’re either slaying or sleighing.

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

One Liner
Dear Santa, before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

After some last-minute Christmas shopping with her grandchildren, my friend was rushing them into the car when four-year-old Jason said, “Grandma, Susie has something in her pocket.” He reached in and pulled out a new red barrette. 

Though she was tired, my friend knew it was important for Susie to put the item back where she had found it. They did just that. Later at the grocery store checkout, the clerk asked, “Have you kids been good so Santa will come?” 

“I’ve been very good,” replied Jason, “but my sister just robbed a store.” 

One Liner
Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter? 
The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters. 

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.

He walks up to the driver’s window and asks, “You drinkin’?”

The driver said, “Well that depends – You buyin’?”

One Liner
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated. 

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer. 

“No,” replied the man. “It’s my ball!”

One Liner
I wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented!