A visitor to the town approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to the next town?”
The local, scratched his head, “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.
“I’m driving,” said the stranger.
“Well, that’s the quickest way.”
One Liner
I called my financial adviser this morning and asked him what I should be buying. He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
One Liner
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
One Liner
Live as though it were your last day on Earth. Some day you will be right!
Groan alert:
Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in the hospital cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically.
“What’s so funny?” the confused dermatologist asked.
“I’m sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” said one of the surgeons. “It’s an inside joke.”
One Liner
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a recent flight, an airhead passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all the airhead could see was the blinking wing-tip light and rang for the flight attendant.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”
One Liner
You wouldn’t know an act of kindness if it hit you in the face.
“Today,” said the college professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys,
intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”
One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, “Great, we
have to sit through another organ recital.”
One Liner
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Question on Economics Exam: “In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?”
Smart answer: “In 1492, none.”
One Liner
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk.
He told me the other vehicle was a cow.
One Liner
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
A doctor said to his car mechanic, “You charge more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, Doc, but you have always the same model; it hasn’t changed since Adam. We have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.”
One Liner
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
I called a friend and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on “aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment.”
I was impressed…
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
One Liner
Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.
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