When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

One Liner
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh
What do you call a fish with 10 eyes?  f-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-sh

Thought for the day
“The LORD watches over all who love him” (Psalm 145:20 NIV).

When God fills you to overflowing, you never need to fear the future. His goodness and mercy are with you every day. You’re following the Good Shepherd, and he is out in front of you with his rod and staff.

Two guys were fishing on the river.

One catches the biggest catfish either one has ever seen. He says to his buddy, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.”

His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. “Seriously? What if we bring different boat next time?”

One Liner
Better living through denial.

Thought for the day
Jesus did this in teaching his disciples. John 13:14-15 says, “Since I . . . have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you” (NLT). Your kids don’t want to hear a sermon. They want to see Jesus’ example in your life.

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

“So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.

“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.

“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”

“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”

One Liner
When you try to show that something doesn’t work, it will.

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve”  Matthew 20:28 TLB

It’s our nature to want to be served. I want to be served. I want people to wait on me. I want people to do things for me. Yet the mark of a Christian is the desire to serve. The Spirit of Christ is service and giving yourself away.

A farmer had been swindled several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow                                   $499.95
Shipping and handling                 35.75
Extra stomach                                79.25
Two-tone exterior                          142.10
Produce storage compartment    126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper           189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system   149.20
Automatic fly swatter                     88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery      179.90
Deluxe dual horns                           59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly     884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb       69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:    $2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments:               300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $3143.36

One Liner
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

Thought for the day
“Walk carefully, not as the unwise, but as wise, making the very most of your time . . . Do not be foolish and thoughtless, but understand and firmly grasp what the will of the Lord is” Ephesians 5:15-17 AMP

You don’t just drift into good things. You must be intentional. You have to set some goals and then commit to working toward them every day.

Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. “I’m shocked!”  he complained. “This is three times what you normally charge.”

“Yes, I know,” said the dentist. “But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients.”

One Liner
So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

Thought for the day
“We are each responsible for our own conduct”  Galatians 6:5 NLT

There are three types of people in the world: accusers, excusers, and choosers.
Accusers are people who go around blaming everybody else for their problems.

Excusers don’t blame others. They just make up excuses for why they don’t do more with their lives and why they’re not happy.

God wants you to be a chooser. He wants you to accept responsibility for your life.

THINGS A MOM DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR

~ I swallowed a goldfish.

~ Your lipstick works better than crayons.

~ Does grape juice leave a stain?

~ Look, I painted the front door!

~ The principal called…

~ But DAD says that word all the time.

~ What’s it cost to fix a window?

~ The dog doesn’t like dressing up in your clothes.

~ Has anyone seen my pet snake???

~ I’m going to run away!!  (Well, maybe SOME day…)

One Liner
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.

Thought for the day
“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12 NIV

Notice that time management must be taught. Most of us are not naturally good at it. We naturally waste time. We naturally fritter it away on things that don’t matter.  We must learn how to use our time wisely.

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

One Liner
The first person to make a mountain out of a molehill was probably a real estate agent.

Thought for the day
“We can choose the sounds we want to listen to; we can choose the taste we want in food, and we should choose to follow what is right. But first of all we must define among ourselves what is good” Job 34:3-4 TLB

It’s amazing to me that most people have never done this. They go through their entire lives having never taken the time to define what matters most to them—to literally sit down and write out their values. They’ve never said, “This is what is good, and this is what is bad. This is what I want out of life, and this is what I don’t want.”  Why write it down?

13-year-old Dewey spent a beautiful Saturday and Sunday indoors playing video games.

His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”

His reply: “I can only dream.”

One Liner
Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get

Thought for the day
“According to your faith let it be done to you”  Matthew 9:29 NIV

Faith is a factor in how you manage your time. Even setting goals is a matter of faith. You have to believe that God will help you.

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.

“Aw, Dad, it’s probably okay,” the son said.  “The police car right behind us just did the same thing.”

One Liner
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Thought for the day
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13 ESV

You’re either going to be mastered by the clock, or you’re going to master it. And the only way you can truly master it is with the help of Christ, who gives you strength

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said “Good Morning” to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, “Ah, you’re Freshmen.”

Then he explained:

“When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they’re Freshmen.

“When they put their smart phones down and open their books, they’re Sophomores.

“When they look up so they can see the who’s talking from their smart phones, they’re juniors.

“When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they’re seniors.

“And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they’re graduate students.”

One Liner
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Thought for the day
“We are each responsible for our own conduct” Galatians 6:5 NLT

Your choices are far more powerful than your circumstances. You may not like how complicated your life has become. But with few exceptions, no one is forcing you to keep your life complicated.

You have the power to simplify your life. In fact, God expects us to assume responsibility for our lives and to carefully choose how we spend our time.