ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

1.  If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

2.  Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

3.  For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.

4.  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

5.  For guests that say “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.

6.  Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

7.  If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

8.  For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.

10. Get enough sleep during the day.

One Liner
Teach your kids about taxes.  Eat 30% of their ice cream

Thought for the day
“You shall not covet . . . anything that belongs to your neighbor” Exodus 20:17 NIV

Coveting means the uncontrolled desire to acquire. It’s such an important sin to avoid that it’s included in the Ten Commandments. The word “covet” in Greek means “to grab or to grasp so tightly that your hands are tight; you can’t even let it go.” If God ever gives you something and he tells you to give it away and you can’t, you don’t own it — it owns you.

THOTS ABOUT CATS

~ Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.”

~ In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

~ As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

~ There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

~ Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

~ Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

~ There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

~ The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

One Liner
Sign on a door: Push.  If that doesn’t work. Pull.  If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

Thought for the day
“It is better to be satisfied with what you have than to be always wanting something else” Ecclesiastes 6:9 GNT

The first step in becoming a contented person is to stop comparing yourself to others. The problem is that comparing is America’s favorite indoor sport! We naturally do it all the time.

You also must learn to admire without having to acquire. You need to learn to rejoice in other people’s prosperity without getting jealous and envious and feeling like you have to have it, too.

Teacher: “Which is the best month to study?”

Student: “Octembruary.”

Teacher: “Don’t be silly. There’s no month like that.”

Student: “Exactly….”

One Liner
Bottomless pit of needs and wants.

Thought for the day
Jeremiah 9:23-24, “The wise should not boast of their wisdom, nor the strong of their strength, nor the rich of their wealth. If any want to boast, they should boast that they know and understand me” 

Why? Because that’s what life is all about. Knowing God is what matters most. The God of the universe loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. Getting close to God will give you peace and perspective. Now that’s good news

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $11.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

One Liner
Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Thought for the day
“Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ” Philippians 3:8 NLT

Are you doing that? Are you seeking God with all your heart every day?

Remember: You are as close to God as you choose to be. You’re going to become a friend of God when you want to become a friend of God.

Our parish priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the gender of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.

Thinking quickly, as he approached the first pew where the deceased’s relatives were seated, he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, “Brother or sister?”

“Cousin,” she replied.

One Liner
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Thought for the day
“I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead”  Ephesians 1:19-20 NLT

The same power that blew the door off Jesus’ tomb will blow open the prison doors that hold you back

An elderly man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art…it’s perfect.”

“Really?” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Well, I’ll tell you. It’s two thirty-three.”

One Liner
I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, I can’t find them.

Thought for the day
“My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life” John 10:10 NLT

If you’re not living a full and satisfying life, it’s not because God doesn’t want you to have it.

A man goes into a dentist’s office.

Man: “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”

Dentist: “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”

Man: “Yes, I know.”

Dentist: “So, why did you come in here?”

Man: “The light was on.”

One Liner
Seeing a spider is not a problem:  The problem comes when it disappears.

Thought for the day
“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free” Galatians 5:13 NIV

Freedom is your calling. God doesn’t want you to live a buttoned-down, constrained life. He wants you to have an abundant life.

Little Jimmy: “So your family got a new house!  How do you like it?”

Little Johnny: “It’s terrific!  I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room.  But poor Mom is still in with Dad.”

One Liner
Life is like a ten-speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.

Thought for the day
God made us what we are. In Christ Jesus, God made us to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing” Ephesians 2:10 NCV

Before you were born, God had already decided what contribution he wanted you to make with your life. God didn’t put you on this planet just to take up space, to use resources, and to die. No! He put you here to serve him by serving others.

He: “This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words.”

She: “That’s probably because a woman has to say everything twice.”

He: “…What?”

One Liner
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Thought for the day
John 13:17, Jesus tells his followers: “Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them”. The blessings of the Bible come when you put its teachings into practice.

A man who hadn’t attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!”

“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “Quite honestly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d much rather hear your sermon than hers.”

One Liner
Did you hear about that study that says obesity might be caused by a virus? Tomorrow I think I’ll stay home from work and just call in fat.

Thought for the day
How you can know that you’ve been effectively putting God’s Word into practice —
You’ll have a caring heart: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress” James 1:27 NIV