Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. 

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” 

Bobby looked up and innocently replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

One Liner
One of life’s mysteries is how a one-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Census Taker: “How many children do you have?” 

Woman: “Four.” 

Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?” 

Woman: “Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George.” 

Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?” 

Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe.”

One Liner
Okay, so what’s the speed of dark? 

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go…what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

One Liner
One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there’s a good chance that no one has heard it before.

John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, John,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says John, “I knew I could count on you!”

One Liner
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Isn’t that handy?

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and — noticing her well long, groomed nails — asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

One Liner
Change is good! But dollars are better.

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a few minutes, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”

The plumber grinned, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

One Liner
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Mom: “Don’t let me ever catch you doing that again!”

Kid: “I’ll try, but you’re so quiet sometimes.”

One Liner
Money talks. Chocolate sings.

THE BEST/WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONGS 

~ “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

~ “You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”

~ “I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart”

~ “She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft”

~ “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him”

~ “If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will”

~ “My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart”

~ “They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out”

One Liner
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

~ If you don’t like my cooking, lower your standards.

~ This is a self-cleaning kitchen – you use it, you clean it yourself.

– There are two choices for supper in this kitchen – take it or leave it.

~ Don’t criticize the coffee. You may be old and weak yourself someday.

~ Kitchen closed due to illness…I’m sick of cooking!

“Cleanin’ and dustin’ can wait for tomorrow.
Babies grow up, I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; dust go to sleep
I’m rockin’ my baby and babies don’t keep!”

One Liner
Have you ever noticed that when people say, “To make a long story short …” it’s too late?