A retired couple are sitting together at home, getting cuddly; he takes off his glasses & moves closer.
She: “Sweetie, without your glasses, you still look like that handsome young man I married.”
He: “Well, Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
One Liner
Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.
The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the oversize luggage.
“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I never have this problem!”
She smiled and said, “Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”
One Liner
Caution: On diet. Hungry. May bite if provoked!!
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”
One Liner
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Today more and more cities have red light cameras, to take photos of cars running red lights.
In one particular city, a man received a ticket in the mail along with a picture of himself in a car, running the red light. The fine was $700.
So the man, thinking that this just wasn’t right, got two $100 bills, took a picture of them, and sent in the picture to the police.
One week later he received a picture of a pair of handcuffs. He promptly sent the money that day.
One Liner
The brain is amazing. It begins from the time we are born, and works 24 hours a day 365 days a year right up to the time you get up to speak in public.
Thought for the day
“But his plans endure forever; his purposes last eternally” Psalm 33:11 GNT
God’s unlimited resources are available to you. Twenty times in the New Testament it says, “Ask.” Isn’t it encouraging to know that things out of our control are not out of God’s control? You may not be able to change a situation, but you can pray and God can change it.
Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”
One Liner
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
Thought for the day
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” 1 John 5:14-15 (NIV)
Have you ever wondered if prayer really works? Maybe Satan has whispered to you, “Prayer is a waste of time. Forget it! Who do you think you are? What do you think you’re doing? God isn’t even listening.”
But here’s the truth: Prayer works because God is in control.
One night, a daughter brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents. Upon first sight, the parents were astounded and appalled by his appearance – leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose (and tongue they found out later at dinner).
At a discreet time, the parents pulled their daughter aside and diplomatically told Candi, “We are not sure about him, he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the blonde daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
One Liner
Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
Thought for the day
“It was the first year of the reign of Darius the Mede, the son of Ahasuerus, who became king of the Babylonians. During the first year of his reign, I, Daniel, learned from reading the word of the LORD, as revealed to Jeremiah the prophet, that Jerusalem must lie desolate for seventy years” Daniel 9:1-2 NLT
You will never pray effectively until you study Scripture and listen to God. The more you know the Bible, the more effective your prayers will be.
“My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Chevy, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Buick.”
“Really? What did he get?”
“Fifteen years for theft.”
One Liner
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
Thought for the day
“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will lead you into all truth” John 16:13 NCV
Sometimes God does this for your benefit. But sometimes he does it for someone else’s benefit. God lets you share the truth he’s shown you.
God’s Spirit will also help you get where you need to go.
If I like it, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a while ago, it’s mine.
If I say it is mine, it’s mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you’re having fun with it, it’s definitely mine.
If you lay it down, it’s mine.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.
One Liner
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Thought for the day
“I don’t mean to say I’m perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers, I’m still not all I should be” Philippians 3:12-13 TLB
When Paul wrote this Scripture, he was an older man in prison in Rome. He was at the end of his life. He was an incredibly mature person. Yet he said he hadn’t arrived. If anybody had the right to say, “I’ve arrived spiritually,” it would be the guy who wrote so much of the New Testament. But Paul said, “No, I haven’t arrived. I’m still growing. I’m still learning. I’m still becoming more like Christ.”
Daughter: “Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?”
Dad: “When you’re a year older than your brother.”
The daughter thought for a moment and replied: “But I’ll never be older than my brother, he was born first.”
Dad: “I guess there’s your answer. But don’t blame me, go talk to your brother.”
One Liner
Opportunity knocked at my door, but I was at the pier waiting for my ship to come in.
Thought for the day
“If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.” Matthew 6:15 GNT
If you are unwilling to forgive someone and you don’t want God to forgive them either, that reveals bitterness and resentment in your life.
A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: “Would the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the men’s tee?!”
He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.
The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, “Will the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the white, men’s tee?!
At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, “Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!”
One Liner
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery wont spoil me.
Thought for the day
Hebrews 13:20-21 (TLB) says, “May the God of peace . . . equip you with all you need for doing his will”
Here’s the secret: Whatever you need more of, take the little you’ve got and start using it to serve other people unselfishly. Then watch God multiply it.
mikeshumor 