Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

One Liner
You! Off my planet!

Thought for the day
“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.”  2 Chronicles 20:15 (NIV)

When we try to fight through life’s troubles on our own, we sink. Instead, God wants us to stop fighting and trust him to do the work.

Husband: “Why do you get weepy over a TV program about imaginary people?”

Wife: “Same reason you scream and yell when a man you never met makes a touchdown.”

One Liner
Is it possible to be totally partial?

Thought for the day
“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal” 1 Corinthians 13:1 NLT

We’re really impressed by great speakers. We love eloquence and charisma. But God says, “I don’t care how good of a communicator you are. Are you living a life of love?” If you’re not, then nothing you say will matter. Words without love are just noise.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define ‘great’ he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

One Liner
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’’ve got.

Thought for the day
Galatians 5:6 CEV: “If you are a follower of Christ Jesus . . . all that matters is your faith that makes you love others”

God says what matters in life is not your accomplishments or your achievements or your fame or your wealth. The only thing that matters is having a faith that causes you to love other people.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What is prayer?”

One of her pupils answered, “That’s a message sent to God at night and on Sundays when the rates are lower.”

One Liner
I may be omniscient, but don’t expect me to know everything.

Thought for the day
“Let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.”
Hebrews 12:1 TLB

When you start to get concerned about something God is doing in another person’s life and envy starts to build, focus on the plan God has for you. Don’t get distracted — center in on God’s will for your life.

Yes, this will make you groan…

Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They’re going to call it: “Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar”

One Liner
The trouble with the rat race is even if you win, you’re still a rat

Thought for the day
“Friend, I didn’t cheat you. I paid you exactly what we agreed on. . . . What business is it of yours if I want to pay them the same that I paid you? Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money?” Matthew 20:13-15 CEV

When it looks like God’s blessing somebody in a way that he’s not blessing you, relax and trust God. Believe that he knows what’s best for you, and trust him when life seems unfair.

WWJD — What Would Jesus Drive?

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.”

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord…”

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.”

Joshua drove a sports car with a hole in its muffler, “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.”

And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”

One Liner
Bacon & eggs: Hens are involved, but pigs are committed.

Thought for the day
“Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes”  Ephesians 4:23 NLT

Change requires new thinking. In order to change, we must learn the truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think.

The strongman at a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, “I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.

A thin scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the woman and asked, “What is the secret of your strength?”

“Practice,” the woman answered. “I was the treasurer of a Church for thirty-two years!

One Liner
The pastor told the search committee, “If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century.” Someone spoke up, ” Uh, Preacher, don’t you mean the 21st century?” The pastor replied, “Let’s take it one century at a time.”

Thought for the day
“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever” Psalm 23:6 NLT

When King David declared that God’s goodness would pursue him, he wasn’t saying, “Surely only good things are going to happen to me!” He knew as well as anyone that bad things happen to good people.

Instead, David was saying that only God’s goodness would follow after or pursue him. No matter how bad or evil or difficult something seems, God can work it out for good.

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, “The plane is very full with baggage and passengers.” Then she asked, “How much do you weigh, sir?”

Not thinking clearly I answered, “With or without clothes?”

“Well,” said the clerk, “how do you intend to travel?”

One Liner
What’s that last thing that goes through a bee’s mind when he hits your windshield? His rear-end.

Thought for the day
Do you want a summary of what life’s all about? Here it is: “The Lord has told you what is good. This is what the Lord requires from you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to live humbly with your God”  Micah 6:8 GW

TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE ARK

10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”

9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”

8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”

7. “Okay, who’s the wise guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!”

6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”

5. “Don’t make me pull this ark over and come back there!”

4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!”

3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”

2. “Nice doggie…”

1. “Are we there yet?”

One Liner
I wanted to live the simple life, but figuring it out proved too complex.

Thought for the day
“Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am” Matthew 16:24 The Message

How do you let go and let God? First, you have to make Jesus the manager of your life.

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know, love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest sags to my waist, my rear is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

One Liner
I keep hitting the CTRL key, but I’m still not in control.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” Ephesians 4:23 NLT

The battle for sin, the battle to deal with those defects in your life that you don’t like, starts in your mind. If you want to change anything in your behavior or anything in your emotions, you start with your thoughts and your attitude.