Parish Change

A minister who had been with the same parish for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

When he spoke to the congregation he said, “The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church.”

The choir stood and sang, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”

One LINER
Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.

Thought for the day
Psalm 43:5
Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 
Why are you crying the blues? 
Fix my eyes on God— 
soon I’ll be praising again. 
He puts a smile on my face. 
He’s my God.

Don’t get down in the dumps or crying the blues I instead fix your eyes on God – He puts a SMILEY on your FACE!

“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart,” said the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“Good, what are we having for breakfast?” asked the new husband.

“Toast and juice,” she replied.

One Liner
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or camera phone these days that no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds: they do not plant seeds, gather a harvest and put it in barns; yet your Father in heaven takes care of them! Aren’t you worth much more than birds?” (GNT).

Birds don’t do anything except “birdy” things. They tweet. They fly around. But they don’t sow or reap. Yet God still feeds them.

If God feeds the birds, he’ll feed you. Why worry?

PULLED OVER

“Hey you! Pull over!” shouted the traffic cop.

The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.

She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, “One pullover, $25.”

One LINER  
The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket.

Thought for the day
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret” (Proverbs 11:13 NIV).

We tend to think of gossip as one of those “little” sins. But when God talks about gossip, he puts it on the list with things like sexual immorality and murder. Why? Because it is so destructive to relationships. Gossip can tear apart friendships, families, and churches.

Gossip is talking about a situation with somebody who is neither a part of the problem nor a part of the solution. If we’re honest, what we’re doing is making ourselves feel a little more important at somebody else’s expense.

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE

~ “I’ll be Sewing You”

~ “Red Cells in the Sunset”

~ “It’s Spleen a Long, Long Time”

~ “It Had to Be Flu”

~ “On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma”

~ “Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney”

~ “The Staphs and Streps Forever”

~ “Old Man’s Liver”

~ “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Brace”

~ “The Girl From Emphysema”

~ “MRI Blue?”

~ “My Melancolicky Baby”

~ “From Here to Maternity”

One LINER
Born with nothing and still have most of it – Lou Holtz

Thought for the day
“If God gives us wealth and property and lets us enjoy them, we should be grateful and enjoy what we have worked for. It is a gift from God” Ecclesiastes 5:19

That’s the kind of God we serve. He gave us the world for our enjoyment! But here’s the problem: We’re so busy getting more that we don’t enjoy what we’ve got.

Spell Insect
A college roommate of mine was doing her student teaching. While she watched the second graders practice their writing, a little boy raised his hand to get her attention.

“Teacher, how do you spell ‘sex’?”

Startled at the question, my friend made her way to his desk and quietly asked, “What word did you want me to help you spell?”

The little boy replied, “I have the first part–I-N–but I don’t know how to spell the whole word–‘Insects.'”

One LINER
Our preschooler, Morgan, really was excited about our new home computer. We didn’t know how special it was until we overheard her say, hugging her favorite teddy bear, “Oh, Grizzwald, I love you so much. I wish I could double click you!”

Thought for the day
God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” Proverbs 16:21

Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.

Job Security
After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.

Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, Dewey, but I’m going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage.”

“How much will it cost?” Dewey asked.
“About $5,000,” the owner replied.
“Finally!” Dewey exclaimed. “Job security!”

One LINER
If you live long enough, something will kill you.

Thought for the day
God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” Proverbs 16:21

Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor.” Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s yet another one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern . . . It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

One Liner  
*”Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 40s.”

Thought for the day
“First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye” Matthew 7:5

Because we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict.

Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: “Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where *I* went!”

One LINER
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.

Thought for the day
“Look out for one another interests, not just for your own” (Philippians 2:4 GNT).

The phrase “look out for” is the Greek word skopos, from which we form our words “telescope” and “microscope.” It means to pay close attention! Focus on the other person’s feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.

Priest Twin

Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased’s relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, “Brother or sister?”

“Cousin,” she replied.

One Liner
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.

Thought for the day
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” Proverbs 19:11

Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

One LINER
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Thought for the day
Psalm 23:1
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

The Lord is … the Lord always has been is and the Lord always will be is! Whatever you need just fill in the blank – To the baker the Lord is the bread of life, to the traveler the Lord is the way, to the judge the Lord is the truth, to the sinner the Lord is the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world. Just fill in the blank _________