WHAT IS A CAT?

(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They are totally unpredictable.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They are moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.

———

WHAT IS A DOG?

(According to a woman)

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don’t hear you when you are in the same room.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats

One LINER
Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.

Thought for the day 
A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance. Proverbs 28:13 (LB)

Be quick to accept responsibility for your own failure. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it.

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”

One LINER
My mouth doesn’t seem to have a backspace key.

Thought for the day
Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10 (NLT)

Take a deep breath and try to forget anyone or anything that’s around you and just focus in on God for a minute

Noah’s Last Name

During a weekend visit with my sister, I read to her granddaughter Adrienna from her children’s Bible story book. After our story time, I quizzed Adrienna on what we read.

“Who was the man with the big boat?”

“Noah,” she piped right up.

Then—I don’t know why—I asked, “What was his last name?”

“Zark!” she replied with authority.

One LINER
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Thought for the day  
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)
Three rules for confrontation found in James 1:19.

1.     Be quick to listen,

2.     Be slow to speak, and

3.     Be slow to become angry.

If you’re quick to listen and if you’re slow to speak, you’ll automatically be slow to anger.

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza.

“Well,” the student replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“That so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” the student said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?”

“Applied psychology.”

One Liner
I know there’s no way to do that – but if there WERE a way, what would it be?

Thought for the day
Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Mark 10:43 (MSG)

Jesus measured greatness in terms of service, not status. God determines your greatness by how many people you serve, not how many people serve you.

A little girl was fascinated when her grandfather took out his false teeth and began brushing them. She asked him to remove his teeth again. She stood there amazed, then demanded, ‘Now, take off your nose.’

One Liner
“Habit, if not resisted, soon becomes necessity.” – St. Augustine

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life” (Matthew 20:28 LB

For Christians, service is not something to be tacked onto our schedules if we can spare the time. It is the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came “to serve” and “to give”—and those two verbs should define your life on earth, too. 

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.'”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

One LINER  
Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it.

Thought for the day  
Romans 8:35-37
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Conquerors! We win!!  No matter how the battle is going for you right now, remember that in the end, we win!

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN & proud of it – I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians…

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…uhhhh…ummmm

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

If you are what you eat, I’m Shredded Wheat and All Bran.

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I’m supporting all movements now…by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts…I’ve just lost the storeroom.

I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN…and I think I am having the time of my life!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to others! You didn’t send it, did you?

One Liner
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Thought for the day
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” (Galatians 6:7 NIV)

Forgiveness is not a contract with God, as in, “You forgive me and I get my old life back.” Forgiveness is God’s choice; it emerges from his infinite love. He paid a bloody, costly price to forgive you, even as you were still steeped in sin.

God will forgive you, but that doesn’t mean he’ll remove the consequences of your sin.

One day a group of people we were sitting and talking. A not so bright woman was among the group and she even participated in the discussion. When she came up with an unusually stupid comment, one of the friends couldn’t take it anymore. He said to her, “You must have vacuum in your head.”

This upset her greatly. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and then replied, “At least it’s better than nothing.”

One Liner
“There are 3 kinds of people, those that can count and those that can’t.”

Thought for the day
Don’t carelessly place yourself in tempting situations. Avoid them. Proverbs 14:16 (TEV)

That means we’re good at fooling ourselves. Given the right circumstances, any of us are capable of any sin. We must never let down our guard and think we’re beyond temptation

SAINTLY SON

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a saint.  He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself.  Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said.  “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied.  “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

One LINER
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Thought for the day
“For you created everything, and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were created.”  Rev. 4:11b (NLT)

You were planned for God’s pleasure

One Good Friday a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.  St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
‘Come with me,’ said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Oh my word, thank you,’ said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,’ said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ St Peter rejoined, ‘ But during your sermons people slept.  When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’

One Liner
:
What day does an Easter egg hate the most? A: Good Fry-day.

Thought for the day
:
“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24

“Our Lord has written the promise of the resurrection, not in books alone but in every leaf in springtime.” Martin Luther