A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

One Liner
A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Thought for the day
“Whoever looks intently into the perfect law . . . and continues in it — not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it — they will be blessed in what they do” James 1:25

Read your Bible: “Whoever looks intently . . .”
Review the Bible: “. . . continues in it . . .”
Remember the Bible: “. . . not forgetting what they have heard . . .”
Respond to the Bible: “. . . but doing it . . .”

You don’t want to be a spiritual baby anymore. It’s time to grow up and live the blessed life you’re meant to live. Hiding God’s Word in your heart is an important way to start.

put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old son’s dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he’d eaten it earlier, he wouldn’t have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, “I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible.”

One Liner
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Thought for the day
“Job stood up, tore his robe in grief, and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground and worshiped” (Job 1:20 GW).

Job expressed his pain to God. When you have a major loss in your life, the first thing you need to do is tell God exactly how you feel.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain!”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

One Liner
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18b NIV).

What you often call loneliness is really homesickness for God. You’ve just never recognized it. You were made to have a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, a relationship that God is dying to have with you.

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

One Liner
“A woman’s work is never done. So why bother?”

Thought for the day
“You were chosen to tell about the excellent qualities of God, who called you.” (1 Peter 2:9 GWT)

You are called to serve God. Growing up, you may have thought that being called by God was something only missionaries, pastors, nuns, and other full-time church workers experienced, but the Bible says every Christians is called to service.

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

“I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“OK,” said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them right up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…

“BOY, I JUST *LOVE* BASKIN ROBINS…”

One Liner
Don’t insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

Thought for the day
Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God. Romans 7:4 (TEV)

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, “The Lord is my shepherd, that’s all I want.”

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

One Liner
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 (LB)

You were saved to serve God.  God redeemed you so you could do his “holy work.” You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value.

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, “Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off!”

The little boy then asked, “How did you lose your hand?”

“Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts me hand off. Their doc couldn’t find a hand, so they puts this hook on,” answered the pirate.

Next, the little girl asked, “How did you lose your eye?”

“Well,” says the pirate, “I was standing watch up in the crow’s nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye!”

The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim “How did THAT cause you to lose your eye?”

The pirate replies, “Well, it was me first day with the hook.”

One Liner
“Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…”

Thought for the day
“You will keep your friends if you forgive them, but you will lose your friends if you keep talking about what they did wrong” Proverbs 17:9

What is gossip? One definition of gossip is “sharing information with somebody who is not part of the problem or part of the solution.” The person might not have had anything to do with it, but you bring them into it so you can feel better about yourself.

Let’s just be honest about it. Gossip, in its essence, is a form of retaliation. You’re trying to get back at the person who offended you by talking about them behind their back.

God hates it.

My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

“Ten!” he hollered, “What could any woman want with ten new dresses??”

My mom calmly replied, “Ten new pairs of shoes.”

One Liner
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious self-righteous people around me.

Thought for the day
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” Colossians 3:13

When I have a hard time overlooking an offense, I remember the great gift of God’s forgiveness!

A cowboy from the midwest walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the midwest. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ol boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

One Liner
Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.

Thought for the day
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” Proverbs 19:11

Your emotional and spiritual maturity is largely measured by how you treat people who mistreat you.

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.

Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, “By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn’t pull it out here.”

One Liner
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Thought for the day
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. John 3:17-18 (NIV)

Jesus came to do whatever was necessary to cleanse us of our sins so that we could come home to the Father. Again and again, we see Jesus in the New Testament willing to use his power to heal; we see him willing to use his authority to cleanse.