A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’ …”

One Liner
“Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.'” – Andy Rooney

Thought for the day
Joshua 1:8 says, “Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful”

So according to God, you have to meditate on his Word if you want to be successful.

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.”

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened … not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”

One Liner
There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and mom’s age.

Thought for the day
James 5:16 says, “Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed”

It doesn’t say “so that you may be forgiven” but so that you may be healed. Forgiveness comes from God. Healing comes in relationships.

A child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

One Liner
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Thought for the day
“Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” Philippians 2:4-5

That means you’re most like Jesus when you’re focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own hurts.

A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”

“Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the friend, “You couldn’t lose an eye just from that!”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

One Liner
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Thought for the day
1 Peter 1:2a, “Dear friends, God the Father chose you long ago and knew you would become his children”

God didn’t choose you because of something you’ve done. It’s all because of who he is. It doesn’t matter how good you are, or how smart you are, or how spiritual you are. God saved you because he loves you.

A husband and wife, both getting on in years, are in bed one morning.

He takes her hand, and she says, “Don’t touch me.”

He says, “Why not?”

She answers, ” Because I’m dead.”

Husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re lying here talking to one another.”

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead because I woke up this morning, and nothing hurts.”

One Liner
Saw someone at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

Thought for the day
Romans 9:20, “My friend, I ask, ‘Who do you think you are to question God? Does the clay have the right to ask the potter why he shaped it the way he did?’” (CEV).

Whenever we doubt God’s love and wisdom, we always get into trouble. The root behind these problems is that you don’t trust God.

You know you are a bad cook when …..
– You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

– Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

– Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

– When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

– Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

– The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with bright red bio-hazard symbols.

– Your microwave display reads “TILT!”

– Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.

– Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

One Liner
What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

Thought for the day
2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

That means if you let God’s Spirit fill your life, you’re going to be filled with power, love, and self-discipline. And God’s love overcomes fear.

If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said Tracy the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“Good, what are we having for breakfast,” said Dewey, the new husband.

“Toast and juice,” Tracy replied

One Liner
When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, ‘Cheer up, things could get worse.’ And sure enough…

Thought for the day
Romans 12:19 says, “Don’t try to get even. Let God take revenge”

Leave it up to God. He’ll take care of it, and he’ll do a much better job than you ever could.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked 鮮O REFILLS.'”

One Liner
What cheese is made backwards? Edam

Thought for the day
Psalm 37:7 says, “Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act”

God wants you to wait patiently for him to answer your prayer.