The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names.  She would then tell them they were signing a ‘contract’ for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom..  The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out himself. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, “At least that other librarian we had could write.”

One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Thought for the Day
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

Don’t worry about anything
Pray about everything
Thank God in all things 

John and Nancy, married for 40 years, planned a second wedding to renew their vows.

Nancy described to her friend the dress she would wear.

Nancy’s friend asked, “What color shoes?”

Nancy replied, “Silver.”

John chimed in: “Yep, silver … to match her hair.”

With a pointed look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said: “So, John, I guess you’ll go barefoot.”

One Liner
Half the people you know are below average.

Thought for the day
2 Corinthians 1:9b-10, “This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us . . . and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us”

The purpose of the dead end is to teach you to trust in God.

In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: “Why did you leave your previous employment?”

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: “The express wish of 116,000 voters.”

One Liner
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Thought for the day
Romans 12:1b says, “Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him” (GNT).

God gave you your abilities. Now you need to give them back to Him.  Use them for the purpose for which He gave them to you.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him – ready for it? – a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

One Liner
I was struck by an odd thought recently. Fortunately, it was only a glancing blow.

Thought for the day
Job 37:14, “Pause a moment, Job, and listen; consider the wonderful things God does” (GNT).

God wants to spend time with you.

I LOVE MY JOB

(apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss and he’s the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.

I love my office and it’s location. I hate to have to take vacation.

I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.

I love my chair in my padded cell; there’s nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers. I love their leers ‘n jeers ‘n sneers.

I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.

I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am…I’m the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.

I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job AND I’ll say it again, I even love these friendly men:

These men who’ve come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!

One Liner
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Thought for the day
“When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won’t give up in despair (2 Corinthians 2:7 CEV). 

We all need mercy, because we all stumble and fall and require help getting back on track. We need to offer mercy to each other and be willing to receive it from each other.

Why the Military can’t communicate with each other. . .

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.

One Liner
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” – Mark Twain

Thought for the day
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG).

Does life sometimes seem like an endless rat race to you? Ask God to open your eyes and help you see his purpose for your life. God, who made you, has this to say about you: “I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 TEV).

TOP TEN QUESTIONS MOST OFTEN ASKED AT A 99-CENT STORE

10. “How much is this?”

9. “Is this necklace real gold?”

8. “Do these Tampa Bay Rays sweatshirts come in medium?”

7. “So let me get this straight — everything here is 99 cents?”

6. “How much is this?”

5. “Do you have anything nicer for $1.99?”

4. “How much is this ‘Best of Ray Stevens’ CD?”

3. “Didn’t this used to be a White Castle?”

2. “Do you have change of a dollar bill?”

1. “Can someone go to the bank and get more pennies?”

One Liner
Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with a skunk?

A: A bird that smells but doesn’t give a hoot.

Thought for the day
“I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing; make something of me! You can do it; you’ve got what it takes God.” Psalm 40:17 (MSG)

When Christ comes into your life, instead of making your life more religious, he makes it more alive. He makes you more fully human and able to experience the life you were meant to live. He expands your horizons and gives you the ability to see things you’ve never seen before. You may be living a good life now, but God wants to offer you a better life.

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt.

A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs.

I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.

One Liner
Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Thought for the day
“Since only your rules can give me wisdom and understanding, no wonder I hate every false teaching” Psalm 119:104

That’s why it is so important to study God’s Word. By knowing biblical truth, we’re able to spot false teaching.

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:

ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
– Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
– You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
– Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
– Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
– Fits one head.

ON TIRIMISU DESERT
– Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
– Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
– Do not iron clothes on body

ON CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
– Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
– Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
– Warning: keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
– For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
– Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS
– Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
– Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
– Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

One Liner
You haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 17:3, “Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart” (NLT).

If God’s going to use you, he’s going to test you first. He wants to be sure you’re ready to handle the power, the blessing, the influence, or whatever else he wants to give you.

A blind man sat on the steps of a public building with a hat by his feet. He had propped up a sign nearby which said, “I am blind, please help.”

There were only a few coins in the hat. A man walking by took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind man.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came by to see how things were doing. The blind man recognized his voice and asked, “Did you change my sign this morning?” “What did you write?”

The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.”

He had written, “Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.”

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively. When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

One Liner
You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.

Thought for the day
Matthew 24:35, “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away”

The only item on the planet that will last is the Word of God. Everything else will burn up, because truth is eternal.