On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: “Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: “Give me one more cookie…”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says: “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

One Liner
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Thought for the day
Philippians 1:14: “Most of the brothers in the Lord have gained confidence from my imprisonment and dare even more to speak the message fearlessly” (HCSB).

Paul’s imprisonment for the Gospel led to others demonstrating more boldness.

God will use your courage, too, to help others respond with courage.

Signs You’re Getting Too Old To Drive…

– You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

– It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

– When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

– It scares you to drive the speed limit.

– The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

– You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

– You use cruise control at 25 mph.

– You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

– Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

– Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

One Liner
Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway.

Thought for the Day
“Reverence for God adds hours to each day” (Proverbs 10:27 LB).

Do you ever get to the end of your day and think, “Did I accomplish anything?”
Where does all the time go?
If you don’t master your schedule, it will master you!

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the skipping.”

One Liner
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Thought for the Day
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.  I Corinthians 10:13

Man Up!!
Paul offers up a series of concise commands here to the Corinthian church in closing the letter. They need vigilance, not apathy. Faithful resolve, not vacillation. Strength (no doubt God’s strength), not to rely on (human) weakness. Consistent love, not selfishness or hardened hearts.

RULES FOR FREQUENT FLIERS

1.  No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2.  If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3.  If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4.  Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5.  If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6.  If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7.  Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the bathroom.

8.  The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9.  The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

One Liner  
Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.

Thought for the day
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Jesus’ love for children in an age when they weren’t those whom highly regarded is a powerful reminder of God’s love for the world often abuses or abandons. We are called to love the unloved, the forgotten, the abused and neglected.

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,” and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn’t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. “What did you say to him that kept him from moving?” they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman’s quoting scripture scare you so much?” they asked.

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

One Liner   
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Thought for the day 
Ephesians 2:4-5
Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.

I’m glad God is rich in mercy.  I know my failures, shortcomings, sins, and transgressions. Without his mercy to pardon, and without his grace I would be lost and without God.

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.

“This is Heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!”

The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!

One LINER  
“I learned something important about burning leaves – wait until they fall off the trees.”

Thought for the day   
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

“It’s just a little harmless gossip.” The Wise Teacher reminds us that gossip is neither little nor harmless. Its consequences are huge and its damage horrible. Instead, it is much better to be a peacemaker and an offense-mender.

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.” 

One Liner
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Thought for the day  
Isaiah 55:8-9
“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Remember the original sin was to try to become like God in terms of knowledge and understanding. Take on His character but never His majesty.

AN OLD FARMER’S ADVICE

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.

~ Every path has a few puddles.

~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.

~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around

One Liner
I gave up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear.

Thought for the day
A man’s heart reflects the man. Proverbs 27:19 (NIV)

The Bible says what is in your heart is what you really are, not what others think you are, or what circumstances force you to be (Proverbs 27:19). Your heart is the real you. It determines why you say the things you do, why you feel the way you do, and why you act the way you do.

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

“Could that have been a tip?” I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

“Yep,” he replied proudly. “not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!”

One Liner
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, …..”And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

Thought for the day
“No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier” (2 Timothy 2:4 NASB).

Real servants make themselves available to serve. Servants don’t fill up their time with other pursuits that could limit their availability. They want to be ready to jump into service when called on

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll think of something.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, “The Star Spangled Banner.”

One Liner
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Thought for the Day
Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of. But don’t compare yourself with others. Galatians 6:4 (CEV)

There are two reasons why you should never compare your spiritual shape, ministry, or the results of your ministry with anyone else. First, you will always be able to find someone who seems to be doing a better job than you and you will become discouraged
Or you will always be able to find someone who doesn’t seem as effective as you and you will get full of pride.