A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices,” said the guy. “It said `FINE FOR PARKING HERE`.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
Declare your struggles to someone. “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you” (James 5:16 NCV). Revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. That’s one of my favorite sayings. If you want to just be forgiven, confess your sins to God. But if you want to be healed, confess them to somebody else. It’s the power that comes from having a spiritual accountability partner or small group.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Son, don’t be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn’t go well and I don’t make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”

One Liner
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Thought for the day
“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, ‘He who is coming will come and will not delay.’” Hebrews 10:36-37 (NIV)

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is NOT a denial. Just because the answer hasn’t come – YET – that doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer or that he’s forgotten you or that he doesn’t care about you.

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, “Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?” I demanded.

“No,” she innocently replied, “I’m helping her share.”

One Liner
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

Thought for the day
Part of becoming spiritually mature is learning the difference between “no” and “not yet,” between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.” (Hebrews 10:37 NIV)

JOB APPLICANT STORIES

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

~ Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.

~ Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

~ Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

~ She wore an iPod and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

~ Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

~ Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.

~ Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

~ Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

~ Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

~ Took a brush out of MY purse, brushed his hair and left.

~ During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

One Liner
Billionaire J. P. Getty was once asked the secret of his success. Said Getty, “Some people find oil. Others don’t.”

Thought for the day
“Be bold and strong! Banish fear and doubt! For remember, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9 LB). God tells Joshua to “Get rid of that doubt stuff! Banish it!” Banish means to dump it. Throw it out the window. Get it out of sight. Don’t deal with it any more. Get rid of it.

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”

One Liner
On difference between taxman and taxidermist? Taxidermist leaves skin on. -Mark Twain

Thought for the day
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

God pours his power into your life, giving you his strength to do what he’s called to do.

Signs Spotted

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

One Liner
There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Thought for the day
Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of. Play it safe and end up holding the bag. Luke 19:26 (MSG)

We move forward in faith when we take risks, not just any kind of risk, but ones that are specifically directed by God. These God-nudges push us beyond living life by sight so that we will live life by faith.

“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday,” little Joshua said to his uncle. “It’s the best present I ever got.”

“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?”

“Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow replied. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!”

One Liner
I went to a doctor and he told me I was overweight. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

Thought for the day
“Reverence for God gives a man deep strength; his children have a place of refuge and security.” (Proverbs 14:26 TLB)

Life is full of storms that batter us, bruise us, and beat us up. Life is very tough, and we all need a place of safety, security, peace, and protection. God has planned that our homes be that place.

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”

“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”

One Liner
Saw it… Wanted it… Had a fit… Got it!

Thought for the day
“But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” (Habakkuk 2:3 LB)

Even as you make a decision to follow the dream God places in your heart, you can expect a delay. God will not fulfill your dream immediately, because this is another step toward building your faith.

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you this morning,” the pastor says.

“Well, Rev’rund,” the farmer replied, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”

One Liner
I’m on a new diet. No, I haven’t changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

Thought for the day
God’s giving to you is based on your attitude. That’s why it’s so important to live with an attitude of gratitude and to be content with what you have. The Bible says, “This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God” (2 Corinthians 9:12 NIV).

A taxpayer received a “second notice” that his tax payment was overdue. The next day he went to City Hall, made out a cheque and apologized for overlooking the first notice.

“I’ll tell you a little secret,” said the tax collector with a smile. “We don’t send out first notices. We’ve found that second notices are much more effective.”

One Liner
“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man comes to the Father but by me.’ On the surface, that seems the most intolerant of statements. Think of any man on the stage of human history claiming to be the supreme embodiment of all psychological, scientific, and religious truth! He was either an egomaniac, a liar, or He was what He claimed to be. By faith I accepted Him for what He claimed to be, the Son of the Living God. That simple decision changed my life – and I have seen it change the lives of countless others across the world.” – Billy Graham