A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you this morning,” the pastor says.

“Well, Rev’rund,” the farmer replied, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”

One Liner
I’m on a new diet. No, I haven’t changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

Thought for the day
God’s giving to you is based on your attitude. That’s why it’s so important to live with an attitude of gratitude and to be content with what you have. The Bible says, “This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God” (2 Corinthians 9:12 NIV).

A taxpayer received a “second notice” that his tax payment was overdue. The next day he went to City Hall, made out a cheque and apologized for overlooking the first notice.

“I’ll tell you a little secret,” said the tax collector with a smile. “We don’t send out first notices. We’ve found that second notices are much more effective.”

One Liner
“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man comes to the Father but by me.’ On the surface, that seems the most intolerant of statements. Think of any man on the stage of human history claiming to be the supreme embodiment of all psychological, scientific, and religious truth! He was either an egomaniac, a liar, or He was what He claimed to be. By faith I accepted Him for what He claimed to be, the Son of the Living God. That simple decision changed my life – and I have seen it change the lives of countless others across the world.” – Billy Graham

Some Quips for Old Age:

– Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
– Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
– Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
– Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
– A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
– The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
– You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
– The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
– Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

One Liner
I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!

Thought for the day
You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion … your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. 2 Corinthians 9:11 (NIV)

What an amazing verse! God makes you rich in every way so you can be generous on every occasion, which will result in thanksgiving to God.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

One Liner
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Thought for the day
Noah did everything exactly as God had commanded him. Genesis 6:22 (NLT)

Noah obeyed completely (no instruction was overlooked) and he obeyed exactly (in the way and time God wanted it done). That is wholeheartedness. It is no wonder God smiled on Noah.

God doesn’t owe you an explanation or reason for everything he asks you to do. Understanding can wait, but obedience can’t. Instant obedience will teach you more about God than a lifetime of Bible discussions. In fact, you will never understand some commands until you obey them first. Obedience unlocks understanding.

Says one humorist: “Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and five more.”

One Liner
“I’m a pretty patient person – just as long as I’m not kept waiting for anything.”

Thought for the day
“If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine” (John 8:31 NASB).

It’s the long-term commitment to learning from Jesus and his Word that makes us his disciples.

Six Days In Jail

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” she replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “Six.”

The judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, “What is it?”

The husband said “She also stole a can of peas.”

One Liner
“Vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted.”

Thought for the day
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people. (Colossians 3:23 TEV)

No matter what you do — sweeping the streets, running a corporation, or the work of a stay-at-home mom — your job is more than a job. The Bible says that while you are here on earth, you should use your work as an act of worship.

Children’s Letters To Pastor

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every week he gives us a sermon about something. Robert.

Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.

Dear Pastor, please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie

One Liner
A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.

Thought for the day
So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. Galatians 6:9 (NLT)

There are many things that work to keep us from completing our life-missions. Over the years, I’ve debated whether the worst enemy is procrastination or discouragement. If Satan can’t get us to put off our life missions, then he’ll try to get us to quit altogether.

DOGS’ LETTERS TO GOD:

Dear God,

When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

One Liner
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Thought for the day
Wholehearted obedience is done joyfully with enthusiasm. The Bible says, “Obey him gladly” (Psalm 100:2 LB). This is the attitude of David: “Just tell me what to do and I will do it, Lord. As long as I live I’ll wholeheartedly obey” (Psalm 119:33 LB).

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

One Liner
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Thought for the day
James, speaking to Christians, said, “We please God by what we do and not only by what we believe” (James 2:24 CEV). God’s Word is clear that you can’t earn your salvation. It comes only by grace, not your effort. But as a child of God you can bring pleasure to your heavenly Father through obedience.

SHORT FUNNY SAYINGS

A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

MONEY TALKS … but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

I’m in shape … round’s a shape isn’t it?

I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

43% of all statistics are useless.

I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don’t trust a species that’s always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering – save all the parts.

SHIN – A device for finding furniture in the dark.

One Liner
I’ve changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

Thought for the day
Any act of obedience is also an act of worship. Why is obedience so pleasing to God? Because it proves you really love him. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey my commandments” (John 14:15 TEV).