My boss phoned me today

He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”

I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped for a minute.”

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked

I said, “Of course, anything, what is it?”

He said, “Hurry up and take your shot, I’m right behind you on the 7th hole.”

One Liner
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Thought for the day
“God does speak—sometimes one way and sometimes another—even though people may not understand it.” (Job 33:14 NCV)

God designed you to hear his voice. In a sense, there is a “receiver” in you that allows you to get guidance from God.

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, “That’s OK, it’s in coupon heaven now.”

“Coupon heaven?” the checker said.

“Yes,” the woman said, “That’s where coupons go when they die.”

“Only the redeemed ones!” said the checker.

One Liner
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Thought for the day
The Bible teaches us that we are blessed not just so that we can feel good, not just so we can be happy and comfortable, but so that we will bless others. God told Abraham in Genesis 12:2, “I will bless you … and you will be a blessing” (NIV). This is the first law of blessing: It must flow outwardly. God promises that if we will concentrate on blessing others, he’ll take care of our needs.

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

One Liner
I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

Thought for the day
The world is so negative that the last thing kids need when they come home is more negativity. Colossians 3:21 says, “Do not nag your children. If you are too hard to please, they may want to stop trying” (NCV).

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

One Liner
“Background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.”

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 10:8 says, “When you work in a quarry, stones might fall and crush you! When you chop wood, there is danger with each stroke of your ax! Such are the risks of life” (NLT). There’s nothing we can do that doesn’t have some element of risk in it.

But the greatest risk of all is how we relate to other people and how we relate to God – the risk to do something about those relationships.

Guaranteed to roll your eyes:

What did the mushroom say when he was kicked out of the nightclub?

“Don’t kick me out, I’m a fun-guy!”

One Liner
Confidence is that feeling you have just before you fully understand the situation.

Thought for the day
At its core, confidence is a spiritual problem. There’s plenty of phony advice in the world about how to gain confidence. Yet none of it works. The secret to confidence is to get in tune with God every day.

The Bible says, “Reverence for the Lord gives confidence and security to a man and his family” (Proverbs 14:26 GNB).

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, “Do you pray for the senators?”

He quickly replied, “No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people.”

One Liner
I’m not bald…I’m just taller than my hair.

Thought for the day
“…it is a serious mistake to suppose that to be filled with the Spirit of Jesus Christ is a kind of spiritual inebriation in which we lose control of ourselves. On the contrary, self control is the final quality named as the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. Under the influence of the Spirit, we do not lose control; we gain it.” – John Stott

You Know You’re In Trouble When…

… Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
… Your suggestion box starts ticking.
… Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
… You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
… The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
… People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
… The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

One Liner
“For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.”

Thought for the day
“Do yourself a favor and learn all you can; then remember what you learn and you will prosper” (Proverbs 19:8 TEV). The solution to most of life’s problems is training. So learn all you can.

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

“So, tell me, Nurse,” he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, “what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?”

One Liner
No sense being pessimistic; it probably won’t work anyway.

Thought for the day
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man comes to the Father but by me.’ On the surface, that seems the most intolerant of statements. Think of any man on the stage of human history claiming to be the supreme embodiment of all psychological, scientific, and religious truth! He was either an egomaniac, a liar, or He was what He claimed to be. By faith I accepted Him for what He claimed to be, the Son of the Living God. That simple decision changed my life – and I have seen it change the lives of countless others across the world.” – Billy Graham

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.'”

One Liner
A printer consists of three main parts: The case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

Thought for the day
Jeremiah 2:13 says, “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water” (NIV).

Off we trot to start digging our own well and our own cistern. We abandon God — who doesn’t just have water but a spring of water that will never dry up — and decide to figure our problem out by ourselves.

The problem is our cisterns always break; they never hold up. The water leaks out, so we remain thirsty, unable to quench our own thirst. God tells them they had forsaken him, the true God, and they were trying to satisfy themselves instead of relying on him.

CHURCH OXYMORONS

An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms.

~ Brief meeting

~ Preacher’s day off

~ Clear calendar

~ Volunteer waiting list

~ Concluding remarks

Send your own! Click Reply…

One Liner
Sign under a mounted fish: If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn’t be here.

Thought for the day
“You knit me together in my mother’s womb … Your workmanship is marvelous … You watched me as I was formed … in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” (Psalm 139:13-16 NLT)

Recognize your uniqueness. You don’t have to envy anybody. You just need to become all that God meant for you to be in the first place.

When I focus on making God number one in my life, remembering that he made me unique and has a plan for my life, then competition becomes irrelevant. That’s because I’m not competing with anybody else. I’m unique, and so are you.