A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.

“This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent.

“Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?”

“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof.'”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?”

“Rough!” the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

“No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.”

He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth!” goes the dog.

And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog and man sit on the curb dejected. The dog turns to his owner and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

One Liner
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Thought for the day
Authenticity: “Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it.” (Romans 12:9a MSG)

Scientists have discovered an incredible fact: If an article of clothing is allowed to hang uninterrupted in a closet throughout just one holiday season, it will shrink at least two sizes.

One Liner
And now, for my most amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!

(And then I will make it disappear.)

Thought for the day
Courtesy: “Always talk pleasantly and with a flavor of wit but be sensitive to the kind of answer each one requires.” (Colossians 4:6 NJB)

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool”

One Liner
“I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you – it was much cheaper back then.”

Thought for the day
One reason why you need to be connected to a church family is to fulfill your calling to serve other believers in practical ways. The Bible says, “All of you together are Christ’s body, and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it.” (1 Corinthians 12:27 NLT)

A thought: When vacuuming, why do we run over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reach over and picking it up, examine it, then put it back down to give the vacuum one more chance?

One Liner
When you have a choice between stupidity and ignorance, pick ignorance. It’s curable.”

Thought for the day
Jesus tells us in Mark 8:35, “Only those who give away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” (TLB). God wired you in a way that you’ll never be happy unless you’re giving your life away in his work. You were made for something greater than yourself.

NEW COMPANY POLICIES

The following policies are hereby effective immediately:

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax $ 244.40

Outgo tax $ 45.21

State tax $ 11.61

Interstate tax $ 61.10

County tax $ 6.11

City tax $ 12.22

Rural tax $ 4.44

Back tax $ 1.11

Front tax $ 1.16

Side tax $ 1.61

Up tax $ 2.22

Down tax $ 1.11

Tic-Tacs $ 1.98

Thumbtacks $ 3.93

Carpet tacks $ 0.98

Stadium tax $ 0.69

Flat tax $ 8.32

Surtax $ 3.46

Corporate tax $ 2.60

Parking fee $ 5.00

F.I.C.A. $ 81.88

T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95

Life insurance $ 5.85

Health insurance $ 16.23

Dental insurance $ 4.50

Mental insurance $ 4.33

Reassurance $ 0.11

Disability $ 2.50

Ability $ 0.25

Liability $ 3.41

Unreliability $ 10.99

Coffee $ 6.85

Coffee Cups $ 66.51

Floor rental $ 16.85

Chair rental $ 0.32

Desk rental $ 4.32

Union dues $ 5.85

Union don’ts $ 3.77

Cash advance $ 0.69

Cash retreats $ 121.35

Overtime $ 1.26

Undertime $ 54.83

Eastern time $ 9.00

Central time $ 8.00

Mountain time $ 7.00

Pacific time $ 6.00

Time Out $ 12.21

Oxygen $ 10.02

Water $ 16.54

Heat $ 51.42

Cool air $ 26.83

Hot air $ 20.00

Miscellaneous $ 113.29

Sundry $ 12.09

Various $ 8.01

Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?

Donald: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

Teacher: No, that’s incorrect.

Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.

One Liner
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Thought for the day
All of you together are Christ’s body, and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it. 1 Corinthians 12:27 (NLT)

One reason you need to be connected to a church family is to fulfill your calling to serve other believers in practical ways.

As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest.

While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn’t remember one particular test.

Thinking out loud, he said, “What is that thing women have that men don’t?”

His wife was quick to answer, “A brain, dear.”

One Liner
“Self-pity is the superglue of hell that ties you to the past.” – Henry Wright

Thought for the day
“Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of.” (Luke 19:26 MSG)

If God tells you to take a step of faith but you hesitate to take it until he shows you what the second step will be, you’re not waiting on God. He’s waiting on you.

CELEBRATING 11 years of mikehumor on May 27!  THANKS to all who have followed mikeshumor these past 11 years.  My desire in sharing the clean daily humor is to bring a smile to your face – after all people smile in the same language!   Hopefully some of the humor has even caused you to laugh out loud!! After all He who laughs, lasts!!

Continue to share mikeshumor with others as we begin our 12th year!

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22 NIV).

Joe had been a long-time and very valued member of his church in Austin. He was a trustee and always preferred to fix things rather than replace them and he was very adept at doing so.

One day the pastor came in o the office on his day off to get something. He was dressed in very grungy clothing and wearing a pair of running shoes that were falling apart. If fact, when he walked down the hall to his office it sounded like he was wearing flip-flops. This old trustee heard the noise and told the preacher, “I think I have some glue that will fix those shoes if you’ll give then to me.” A couple of days later he did just that.

A week later, when he went into his office he saw a brown bag on his desk. Upon opening it he found his repaired running shoes and a handwritten note stuffed in one of them. It read: “It is a rare occasion when a parishioner is able to save the Pastor’s sole.”

One Liner
The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.

Thought for the day
You will never arrive at the state in life where you’re too important to help with menial tasks. God will never exempt you from the mundane. It’s a vital part of your character curriculum. The Bible says, “If you think you are too important to help someone in need, you are only fooling yourself. You are really a nobody” (Galatians 6:3 NLT).

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”

One Liner
Help keep the kitchen clean: Eat out.

Thought for the day
“Commit your work to the Lord, and then your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3 (NLT)

God is for your success in life; he created you for a purpose and he wants you to succeed. It is God, your Creator, who will measure your success in life, and no one else.