I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

One Liner
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

Thought for the day
“Heaven will be the perfection we’ve always longed for. All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in heaven.” – Billy Graham

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

One Liner
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

Move ahead, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with the Holy Spirit

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Little Johnny, “What a great memory you have!”

One Liner
“If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

Thought for the day
Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” (NIV).

Evaluate where you are so that you can know where you should go.

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries.

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

One Liner
If you don’t like my driving, just take a different road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

Thought for the day
So stand ready, with truth as a belt tight around your waist, with righteousness as your breastplate …. (Ephesians 6:14 TEV)

In Ephesians, the apostle Paul says the first thing to do in spiritual warfare is to wear truth like a belt around your waist. Truth is the foundation for you to fight against the enemy. If you don’t have a foundation of truth, you will fall apart when temptations and turmoil attack your life. God’s Truth is what holds you together.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

“What chair?”

One Liner
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 1:2, “Dear friends, God the Father chose you long ago and knew you would become His children” (LB).

God didn’t choose you because of something you’ve done. It’s all because of who he is. You weren’t good enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough for him to save you. He saved you because he loves you.

There’s two muffins in the oven.

One says, “Man! I’m burning up in here!”

The other one says “Hey look! A talking muffin!!!”

One Liner
Did you hear about the red corpuscle and the white corpuscle? They loved in vein.

Thought for the day
Discontent is all about comparing. The Bible says comparisons are foolish. They’ll ruin you financially. You go out and find a car you can afford and buy it. But you look over and see your neighbor’s car has something extra on it, so you go into debt to buy a car like that – all because of a comparison.

The antidote to debt-inducing comparisons is contentment. The Bible says, “Stay away from the love of money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never forsake you.’” (Hebrews 13:5 NLT)

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so. It’s the tortoise life for me!

One Liner
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

Thought for the day
“Those who love money will never have enough. How absurd to think that wealth brings true happiness!” Ecclesiastes 5:10 (NLT)

The more you get; the more you want. That’s life. Somebody once asked the billionaire Howard Hughes, “How much does it take for a man to be happy?” He said, “Just a little more.”

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

One Liner
“When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.”

Thought for the day
“Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts … praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.” (Acts 2:46-47a NIV)

God blesses churches that worship him joyfully. Truth is, God loves a good celebration. He blesses people who celebrate him! The early Church is a great example of that.

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.

He began what can only be called “Campaigning” and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

One Liner
“God loves you, but He likes me best.”

Thought for the day
Acts 2:44-45 says, “All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need.” (NIV) The early church didn’t just give their money. They were generous with everything they had. You could say they were radically generous.

What would happen through our churches if we were just as radically generous?

“Driver’s Test”

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us–sirens wailing, lights flashing.
“Was I speeding?” she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
“No,” said the officer. “But you are driving a stolen vehicle.”
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. “Does this mean I failed my test?”

One LINER
As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Thought for the day
Psalm 22:7-8 All who see me mock me; 
they hurl insults, shaking their heads: 8 “He trusts in the Lord; 
let the Lord rescue him. 
Let him deliver him, 
since he delights in him.”

Unbelieving people often mock believers for their faith, but ridicule cannot destroy true faith.