While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, “Does anyone remember what these mean?”

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. “One means fast-forward,” he exclaimed, “and the other means rewind!”

One Liner
“A worldly man is one who’s plans all stop at the grave.” – William McDonnald

Thought for the day
“Correct your children while there is still hope; do not let them destroy themselves.” (Proverbs 19:18 NCV)

We all need correction at times, because no one is perfect. If I don’t discipline my kids, it means I’m willing to participate in their destruction.

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have coffee.”

The English student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have a latte.”

The medical student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

One Liner
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Thought for the day
“If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.” (Ecclesiastes 11:4 NLT)

God expects you to do what you can with what you have and wherever you are. Less-than-perfect service is always better than the best intention.

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password. Her password was “genius”.

After three tries and the system telling him “access denied,” he asked her how to spell it.

She said, “G – E – N – I – O – U – S.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” When you spend time with the Lord, you turn your thoughts to him. Then, you get along better with others, because he keeps perfect peace in your heart, and you’re not as irritable.

Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under “Previous Employment” she wrote, “Baby sitting.”

In answer to “Reason for Leaving” she wrote, “Parents came home.”

One Liner
Easter is when everybody dresses up for Jesus’ big coming out party.

Thought for the day
If you want to stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, then you have to learn to ask forgiveness from God and from those you hurt. James 4:8 says, “Wash your hands … and purify your hearts” (NIV). Our hands represent our conduct, and our hearts represent our attitude.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN…..

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

6. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

7. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

8. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

9. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

10. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

11. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

12. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

13. It takes twice as long — to look half as good.

14. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

15. Everything either dries up or leaks.

One Liner
Newspaper ad …Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

Thought for the day
“Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And at that moment he disappeared!” (Luke 24:31 NLT)

Ever feel like God is a million miles away? The truth is, he’s not. Whatever struggle you’re going through, you can rest assured you’re not alone. You have God in your corner.

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

One Liner
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.

Thought for the day
“Never stop praying.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17 NLT)

You will never grow a close relationship with God by just attending church once a week or even having a daily quiet time. Friendship with God is built by sharing all your life experiences with him.

It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “The cook’s working for the Germans!”

One Liner
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said… people will forget what you did… but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Thought for the day
Don’t let the cares of life crowd out daily time with the Lord. When things aren’t going as we think they should, our natural reaction most likely is work harder and do more. Unfortunately, that generally results in wasted energy. Seek wisdom and direction through prayer and in God’s Word. Follow as he leads and trust that he will make a path for you. You cannot fully know the heart and mind of God without spending time with him.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

One of my favorite illustrations is about a pastor giving a children’s sermon on Easter Sunday morning. “Can anyone tell me what happened on Easter?” Silence. The pastor, persisting, asked again politely, “Now I know that someone here knows what happened on Easter a long, long time ago.” Again….silence. “Finally, visibly frustrated, the pastor asked more forcefully, “SOMEBODY PLEASE tell me about Easter Sunday!” Finally, little Johnny (never at a loss for words) tentatively raised his hand. “THEY KILLED JESUS!” “That’s right,” said the pastor, “And then what?” “They put him in the ground!” (Johnny spoke with more confidence). “RIGHT!” the proud pastor affirmed, “and then what?” “…and he was there for three days!” “And then what?” “and on Easter he comes out of the ground!” “Wonderful!” the pastor joyfully agreed. And then Johnny continued….”And if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of bad weather……”

One LINER
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Thought for the day
Mark 16:6 but the angel said, “Don’t be alarmed. You are looking for Jesus of Nazareth,s who was crucified. He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead! Look, this is where they laid his body.

Hallelujah we serve a Risen Lord !!!

Kathy’s 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she’d ask, “Mom, what does FGRPL spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathy said.

Sitting at breakfast she’d suddenly ask, “Mom, what does DOEB spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathy answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, “Mom, what does LMDZ spell?”

Kathy smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!”

One Liner
The speed of time is one second per second.

Thought for the day
Psalm 8:5 says, “Yet you made them inferior only to yourself; you crowned them with glory and honor” (GNT).

You were created by God, and God does not make junk.

As I was assigning cabins for church camp this morning the following conversation took place between myself and a sponsor from one of the churches:

Sponsor: You need to do something about our cabin assignment, we have 27 girls and we only have 23 beds.

Me: No, ma’am, you have 46 beds.

Sponsor: No, the girls counted and we have 27 girls and only 23 beds.

Me: They’re bunk beds.

Sponsor: Oh.

One Liner
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Thought for the day
“[L]et us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress ….” Hebrews 12:1b (NLT)

If you want to finish the race of life, if you want to make it to the finish line, you’re going to have to let go of some things that may be holding you back in the race. Call it de-cluttering; call it simplifying; there are some things that need to be laid aside in order to finish well.