A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

One Liner
“The reason they called golf “golf” was all the other 4-letter words were taken.”

Thought for the day
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10 NIV)

Oh God, create in me a pure heart …A heart that knows no greed when it looks upon worldly treasures, a heart that thinks of others, and not itself, a heart that argues for love instead of fairness.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

One Liner
“You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!”

Thought for the day
“So we continue to preach Christ to each person, using all wisdom to warn and to teach everyone, in order to bring each one into God’s presence as a mature person in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28 NCV)

Spiritual growth is based on God’s Word, the first level of learning is to gain a working knowledge of the Bible. Perspective and convictions must be Bible-based.

A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, “1 2 3,” and pulls the main cord.

Nothing happens.

He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.

Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, “Do you know anything about parachutes?”

“No!” the man going up replies. “Do you know anything about gas water heaters?”

One LINER
“I’ve been having trouble concentrating lately – I think I have that attention deficit whatever.”

Thoughts for the day
Psalm 116:7 says, “I said to myself, ‘Relax, because the LORD is going to take care of you’” (NCV). If you really trust in God, you’re going to be less stressed.

The Bible says in Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (NIV). It’s not just what you eat that matters, it’s what eats you. You can have all the right macrobiotics and organic food, but if your body is filled with resentment, worry, fear, lust, guilt, anger, bitterness, or any other emotional disease, it’s going to shorten your life.

The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker’s ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.

“This must be difficult to watch, Father,” I said. “The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

“It’s worse than that,” the monk replied. “I think I left my PalmPilot in there.”

One LINER
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
Psalm 32:3-5: “When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long .… My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them .… And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone” (NLT).

David internalized his guilt, and it physically affected his body. If you don’t talk out your problems, your guilt, your bitterness with God, you’re going to take it out on your body.

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the

back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door?

They’re hushers.”

One Liner
“You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!”

Thought for the day
God tells us in his Word that life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22 NIV). I like to put it this way: “He who laughs, lasts.” Learn to laugh at yourself, put some play in every day, relax, chill out, and have some fun.

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam’s suit.”

One LINER
Paul Bear Bryant stated, “If anything goes wrong. I did it! If anything goes half way right. We did it! If anything goes good. You did it.”

Thought for the day
Since everything around us is going to melt away, what holy, godly lives you should be living! (2 Peter 3:11 LB)

Your commitments can develop you, or they can destroy you, but either way, they will define you. Tell me what you’re committed to, and I’ll tell you what you’ll be in twenty years.

As believers, we should be defined by godly, loving commitments. If we want to become more like Jesus, then we need to commit to the same things he did.

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer.”

One Liner
“A hypocrite is someone who complains that there is too much sex and violence on his DVD.”

Thought for the day
“Christ is not one of many ways to approach God, nor is he the best of several ways; he is the only way.” – A. W. Tozer

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“Well you don’t expect me to work in the dark, do you?” he said.

One Liner
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.

Thought for the day
“Think of the last thing you prayed about–were you devoted to your desire or to God? Determined to get some gift of the Spirit or to get at God? “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.” – Oswald Chambers

I’m a high-school geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”

I noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.

“Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

One Liner
I’ve learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

Thought for the day
You gain delight in God. “You will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11 NLT).Spending time with God will actually make you happier. Your quiet time is when you enjoy God. Knowing God is the secret to joy.

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked. “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably a life sentence.”

One Liner
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

Thought for the day
God has never made a person he didn’t love. Everybody matters to him. When Jesus stretched out his arms wide on the cross, he was saying, “I love you this much!”