I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!

But I couldn’t figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times – he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed….very strange. Everyone was looking!!

When my waiter came by I mentioned the ‘entertainment’ and he said “Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.”

One LINER
Caller to computer help line: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?”

eWORD of the DAY
John1:38-39 NLT 
Jesus looked around and saw them following. “What do you want?” he asked them.
  They replied, “Rabbi” (which means “Teacher”), “where are you staying?”
  “Come and see,”

A Clever Food Valentine

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You’re such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You’ve been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We’d make a perfect Pear.

Now, something’s sure to Turnip,
To prove you can’t be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let’s let our tulips meet.

Don’t Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato’s eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I’ll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I’ll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day! Simple things like:

– Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine,
– Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine!

One Liner
Coffee’s a great way to fool yourself into believing you’re going to have a productive day

Thought for the day
 “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine” (John 8:31 NASB). It’s the long-term commitment to learning from Jesus and his Word that makes us his disciples.

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married on Valentines Day?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

One Liner

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

– Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Thought for the day

Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” (NIV).

VALENTINE’S DAY HOOK-UPS

– If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

– If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

– If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

– If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

– If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

– If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

– If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

– How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

– If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

One Liner 
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

Thought for the day
James tells us, “If you know people who have wandered off from God’s truth, don’t write them off. Go after them. Get them back” (James 5:19 MSG).

A related benefit of a local church is that it also provides the spiritual protection of godly leaders. God gives the shepherd leader the responsibility to guard, protect, defend, and care for the spiritual welfare of his flock.

We are told, “Their work is to watch over your souls, and they know they are accountable to God” (Hebrews 13:17 NLT).

Satan loves detached believers, unplugged from the life of the Body, isolated from God’s family, and unaccountable to spiritual leaders — because he knows they are defenseless and powerless against his tactics.

TRUE LOVE
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or birthed it.

One LINER
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it!

Thought for the day
“Encourage one another daily … so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:13 NIV).

We are called and commanded to be involved in each other’s lives. If you know someone who is wavering spiritually right now, it is your responsibility to go after that person and bring him or her back into the fellowship.

You Know You’re In Trouble When…

… Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
… Your suggestion box starts ticking.
… Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
… You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
… The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
… People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
… The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

One Liner
“For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.”

Thought for the day
“Do yourself a favor and learn all you can; then remember what you learn and you will prosper” (Proverbs 19:8 TEV). The solution to most of life’s problems is training. So learn all you can.

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, “Do you pray for the senators?”

He quickly replied, “No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people.”

One Liner
I’m not bald…I’m just taller than my hair.

Thought for the day
“…it is a serious mistake to suppose that to be filled with the Spirit of Jesus Christ is a kind of spiritual inebriation in which we lose control of ourselves. On the contrary, self control is the final quality named as the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. Under the influence of the Spirit, we do not lose control; we gain it.” – John Stott

Guaranteed to roll your eyes:

What did the mushroom say when he was kicked out of the nightclub?

“Don’t kick me out, I’m a fun-guy!”

One Liner
Confidence is that feeling you have just before you fully understand the situation.

Thought for the day
At its core, confidence is a spiritual problem. There’s plenty of phony advice in the world about how to gain confidence. Yet none of it works. The secret to confidence is to get in tune with God every day.

The Bible says, “Reverence for the Lord gives confidence and security to a man and his family” (Proverbs 14:26 GNB).

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

One Liner
I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

Thought for the day
The world is so negative that the last thing kids need when they come home is more negativity. Colossians 3:21 says, “Do not nag your children. If you are too hard to please, they may want to stop trying” (NCV).