A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the

lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the

manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they

asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting

in an open foyer.’

One Liner
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Thought of the day
Tell others that Jesus is the Truth and that He is the only way to life with the Father (John 14:6). Tell them “that the Son of God came so we could recognize and understand the truth of God—what a gift!—and we are living in the Truth itself, in God’s Son, Jesus Christ. This Jesus is both True God and Real Life” (1 John 5:20 MSG).

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

One Liner
“Background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.”

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 10:8 says, “When you work in a quarry, stones might fall and crush you! When you chop wood, there is danger with each stroke of your ax! Such are the risks of life” (NLT). There’s nothing we can do that doesn’t have some element of risk in it.

But the greatest risk of all is how we relate to other people and how we relate to God – the risk to do something about those relationships.

A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices,” said the guy. “It said `FINE FOR PARKING HERE`.”

One Liner
“Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old – squash their toes with your rocker.”

Thought for the day
We must “put on” the character of Christ by developing new, godly habits. The Bible says, “Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:24 NIV)

While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn’t even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him.

When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, “Never leave home without your credit card!”

One Liner
I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”

Thought for the day
We must change the way we think. “Let the Spirit change your way of thinking.” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV) The Bible says we are “transformed” by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:2)

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the Sunday School lesson was about. Daughter answered “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”

Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” Now it made sense.

One Liner
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.”
~Abraham Lincoln

Thought for the day
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, relational—but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way.

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”

“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?”

One Liner
“Self-esteem-boosting tip: Whenever you receive mail addressed to “resident,” just write a big “P” in front of that to make yourself feel more important.”

Thought for the day
Paul only had one resolution on his New Year’s list: “This year I resolve to know nothing but Christ and him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2).

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man’s life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

“Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

One Liner
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” – Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Thought for the day
By our baptism, then, we were buried with him and shared his death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from death by the glorious power of the Father, so also we might live a new life. Romans 6:4 (TEV)

If you haven’t been baptized as an expression of your faith in Christ, be obedient to Jesus and be baptized as soon as possible

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

One Liner
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

Move ahead, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with the Holy Spirit

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

One Liner
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

Thought for the day
“Heaven will be the perfection we’ve always longed for. All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in heaven.” – Billy Graham

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Little Johnny, “What a great memory you have!”

One Liner
“If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

Thought for the day
Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” (NIV).

Evaluate where you are so that you can know where you should go.