A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries.

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

One Liner
If you don’t like my driving, just take a different road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

Thought for the day
So stand ready, with truth as a belt tight around your waist, with righteousness as your breastplate …. (Ephesians 6:14 TEV)

In Ephesians, the apostle Paul says the first thing to do in spiritual warfare is to wear truth like a belt around your waist. Truth is the foundation for you to fight against the enemy. If you don’t have a foundation of truth, you will fall apart when temptations and turmoil attack your life. God’s Truth is what holds you together.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

“What chair?”

One Liner
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 1:2, “Dear friends, God the Father chose you long ago and knew you would become His children” (LB).

God didn’t choose you because of something you’ve done. It’s all because of who he is. You weren’t good enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough for him to save you. He saved you because he loves you.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an idiot or blind. Do you understand all that?” The little boy nodded yes again.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach stupid is it?” The little boy shook his head NO.

“GOOD,” said the coach, “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

One Liner
The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.

Thought for the day
The less love you have in your heart, the more insecure you feel and the easier it is to offend you. The Bible says in Proverbs 10:12, “Love overlooks the wrongs that others do” (CEV). The more I am filled with love, the less I’m going to be upset with you when you are demanding or demeaning or disapproving or whatever.

The airhead tried to sell his old car. He was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day he mentioned his problem to a friend he worked with. The friend told him, “There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the airhead, “as long as I can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell.” The following weekend, the airhead made the trip to the mechanic.

A month later, the friend asked the airhead, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the airhead, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

One Liner
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Proverbs 19:11, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (NIV). With wisdom, you don’t get offended. Why? Because wisdom gives you patience. When you understand somebody’s background, you understand the stress that person is under — and it’s easier to show grace. That gives you patience to overlook the offense.

My husband is a minister who conducts an expanded altar call at the end of his sermon. He asks those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, as well as those with prayers or other requests, to come forward.

To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without a word to me, got up and made her way forward. She waited patiently while the others ahead of her made a request.

When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask for her request. She whispered, “Can we go to the restaurant after church?”

One Liner
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, “Hello, this is a telephone poll.”

The man replied, “Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!”

Thought for the day
In Matthew 18, Jesus tells the story of a king who forgives his servant. Verse 27 says, “The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go” (NIV). Just as the king canceled the debt of this servant, God sent Jesus Christ to pay for your debt. Everything you’ve ever done wrong in your life has already been paid for. Jesus took your rap. He paid your jail time. He took your offense and paid the wages of sin. Jesus Christ died for all of your sins.

I’m an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from many different countries and cultures.

One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assumed that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was Asian.

As I was performing the exam, we chatted, and she told me that she was Chinese, and her husband’s ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause, she quipped, “I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!”

One Liner
“Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.”

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

Move ahead, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with the Holy Spirit

“Bob, why don’t you play golf with John anymore?” asked a friend.
“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Bob asked.
“Well, no,” admitted the friend.
“Neither will John,” replied Bob.

One Liner
“She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.”

Thought for the day
“And forgive us our sins as we also forgive those who have sinned against us.” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

When I hurt you, that causes guilt. When you hurt me, I feel resentment. Those two things can be resolved with forgiveness

Sam had been extremely nervous while his wife was giving birth to their first child. When the nurse came to the waiting room, he said, “Quick, tell me! Am I a mother or a father?!”

One Liner
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Thought for the day
“Give us this day our daily bread.” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

Jesus didn’t say, “Give us this day our monthly bread” or “our weekly bread.” He said “daily bread” because we need to learn to depend on God twenty-four hours at a time.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was this hand printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

One Liner
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Thought for the day
Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes.” (Ephesians 4:23 NLT)

Change requires new thinking. As we’ve discussed, in order to change, we must learn the truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

One LINER
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Let everything you do reflect your love of the truth and the fact that you were in dead earnest about it.” (Titus 2:7) There’s a lot in the Bible that I don’t understand and that makes me uncomfortable. But the fact is, it is the truth. It is a map that always takes me where it promises.

“Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!'” (John 14:6-7, NLT)