A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.

“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.

One Liner
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Now that we have been put right with God through faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:1 TEV).You need to make peace with God. Have you done that? If you haven’t, you’d better, because one day you will have to face him.

Children’s Christmas Carols

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

One Liner
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Thought for the day
“Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6 NLT)

Truth is not a principle. Truth is a person: Jesus Christ.

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my email??!!”

One Liner
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

Thought for the day
Jesus tells us in Mark 8:35, “Only those who give away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” (TLB). God wired you in a way that you’ll never be happy unless you’re giving your life away in his work. You were made for something greater than yourself.

Musical instrument + Reindeer = Organ Donner

Really quiet + Armed crusader = Silent Knight

Snow + Frankenstein = Snowball Fright

Reindeer + Cow = Sleigh Bulls

Rope + December 24th = The Knot Before Christmas

Christmas carols + A dozen flowers = The 12 daisies of Christmas

Christmas carol + Money = Jingle Bills

The 25th of December + A girl’s name = A Christmas Carol

Telling Santa your wishes + Computer = Santa’s Laptop

Snowfall + Chinese cooking = Shovel the wok

One Liner
Never offend people with style if you can offend them with substance.

Thought for the day
God’s plan of action is summed up in the Great Commission: “Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20 NLT).

Did you know that according to the song, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, Santa has twelve reindeer?

Sure, in the introduction it goes “There’s Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen…” That makes eight reindeer.

Then there’s Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.

Then there’s Olive. You know, “Olive the other reindeer used to laugh…” That makes ten.

The eleventh is Howe. You know, “Then Howe the reindeer loved him…” Eleven reindeer.

Oh, and number 12? That’s Andy! “Andy shouted out with glee.”

The proof is in the song!

One Liner
Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.

Thought for the day
We can have courage as we tell others about Jesus because the Holy Spirit is working through us. It doesn’t matter how well we talk or how educated we are because God inhabits our abilities: “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13 NIV).

How to tell if you celebrated a Redneck Thanksgiving

If…
– You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
– Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
– You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
– You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
– You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
– Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
– Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
– Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
– Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
– Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
– You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
– The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
– You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
– You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
– Your secret family recipe is illegal.
– You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

One Liner
“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”

Thought for the day
Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:21 (NIV)

The point of living your life to the fullest in every aspect is not to increase your reputation; it’s to make your life count for God

‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,

But I just couldn’t sleep.

I tried counting backwards,

I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned

The dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,

The thought of a snack became infatuation!

So I raced to the kitchen,

Flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell

as I soared past the trees …

HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!

Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied. “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

One Liner
Someone showed me how static electricity worked today. I was shocked

Thought for the day
“Give God all your worries and all your cares for he is always thinking about you watching everything that concerns you” (1 Peter 5:7).

Whatever concerns you, concerns God. Whatever you’re worried about, whatever you’re afraid of, whatever keeps you up at night, whatever gets your attention, gets God’s attention. No one will care more about your life, so why not give him your life to care about?

You Are Probably Overdoing Thanksgiving If…

* You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.
* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the Lazy Boy.
* The gravy boat your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!
* The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
* You set off an earthquake seismograph on your morning jog on Friday.
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
* You have 5 TV sets all side-by-side to catch all 5 football games.
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
* Your arms have gotten too short to tie your shoes.

One Liner
“Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day.” – Robert Caspar Lintner

Thought for the day
“For he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.” Luke 1:48a (NIV)

No one cares more about your life than God. No man, no woman, not even you. That’s why God’s destiny is always the best. God loves you perfectly and he is always thinking about you and thinking about what is best for you.