NEW COMPANY POLICIES
The following policies are hereby effective immediately:
SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $ 244.40
Outgo tax $ 45.21
State tax $ 11.61
Interstate tax $ 61.10
County tax $ 6.11
City tax $ 12.22
Rural tax $ 4.44
Back tax $ 1.11
Front tax $ 1.16
Side tax $ 1.61
Up tax $ 2.22
Down tax $ 1.11
Tic-Tacs $ 1.98
Thumbtacks $ 3.93
Carpet tacks $ 0.98
Stadium tax $ 0.69
Flat tax $ 8.32
Surtax $ 3.46
Corporate tax $ 2.60
Parking fee $ 5.00
F.I.C.A. $ 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95
Life insurance $ 5.85
Health insurance $ 16.23
Dental insurance $ 4.50
Mental insurance $ 4.33
Reassurance $ 0.11
Disability $ 2.50
Ability $ 0.25
Liability $ 3.41
Unreliability $ 10.99
Coffee $ 6.85
Coffee Cups $ 66.51
Floor rental $ 16.85
Chair rental $ 0.32
Desk rental $ 4.32
Union dues $ 5.85
Union don’ts $ 3.77
Cash advance $ 0.69
Cash retreats $ 121.35
Overtime $ 1.26
Undertime $ 54.83
Eastern time $ 9.00
Central time $ 8.00
Mountain time $ 7.00
Pacific time $ 6.00
Time Out $ 12.21
Oxygen $ 10.02
Water $ 16.54
Heat $ 51.42
Cool air $ 26.83
Hot air $ 20.00
Miscellaneous $ 113.29
Sundry $ 12.09
Various $ 8.01
Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
mikeshumor 