NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

2019: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2020: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2021: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2022: I will work out 3 days a week.

2023: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

One Liner

Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2022 calendar! I’m dismayed!

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2023…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner

My goal for 2023 is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I made a promise in 2020 and planned in 2019.

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

“Easy,” she replied with a smile. “I dress them the night before.”

One Liner

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back. I’m turning mine back to when I was 20.

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Dallas and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay, honey,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

One Liner

What Christmas treat is the most popular at the kids’ table? Crayon-berry sauce.

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

One Liner

Why is it called an automobile when you have to drive it?

My nine-year-old son, Gabriel, had heard some rumours at school that Santa wasn’t real. He approached me with a big question: “Dad, tell me the truth. Is Santa real?”

I decided to tell him it was us who had bought his latest Nintendo Wii game.

“Really?” he said. “You should have let Santa bring it. That way, it would have been free.” 

One Liner

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

My husband took our two sons, six-year-old Devin and four-year-old Chase, to a party where Santa would be handing out gifts. The instructions from the organizers were to bring our own gifts, so I brought beach towels with the kids’ names printed on them.

Upon arriving, Devin said he couldn’t believe the skinny Santa was actually Santa. His doubt turned to belief when he opened his gift.

“He has to be the real Santa!” he said. “How else would he know my name?” —

One Liner

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

Today we were talking about how Jesus’ arrival was told of in Isaiah.  “And his name shall be called “Immanuel” which is God with us…”

Sydney raised her hand and, in a way only Sydney can, asked, “A manual? Isn’t that something that gives us instructions?” 

I could only respond by saying, “I have never thought of it that way but it is without a doubt true!!”

One Liner

Should Santa’s helpers be referred to as Subordinate Clauses?

Christmas Signs

– From a toy store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

– In a bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

– Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”

– From a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

– In a Texas jewelery store: “Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.

– A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

– In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

One Liner

Happiness is a competitive advantage

PRESS RELEASE 

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED

Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas”
subsidiary: 

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. 

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost- effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. 

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. 

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. 

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be more productive. 

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. 

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching. 

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. 

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congresspersons. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congresspersons this year. 

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. 

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. 

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), action is pending. 

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number. 

One Liner

You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas.