A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, “Yes… it’s breakable.”
One Liner
Not saying I live in a rough area, but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
TEST TO SEE IF YOU’RE A GRINCH
~ You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
~ You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points; 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
~ You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
~ You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy; if you also put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa, add 10 points)
~ You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target or Walmart in a Macy’s box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)
~ At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
~ You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own. (Southern California & Florida only, others ignore: 5 points)
~ After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)
~ Taking toys from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)
Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100:
20-30: You’re just a cheeseball.
30-50: You’re an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over!
One Liner
What to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs, and rear.
A college student finished his first semester away from Mom’s cooking and was home on break. Having heard little from her son but complaints about the wretched cafeteria food, Mom decided to make her son’s favorite breakfast, Eggs Benedict.
Lured to the kitchen by the wonderful smell, the young man sat down and began to enjoy the first bites of Mom’s delicious meal.
When he finished he looked at his mother with a satisfied smile and said, “You know it’s true what they say, there’s no place like home for the Hollandaise.”
One Liner
Knock, knock! Whos there? Wayne. Wayne who? Wayne in a manger.
A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian’s world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?
“Well, son, explained the father, they were poor, and they couldn’t afford anything better.
Said the boy, “Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?
One Liner
Just before leaving the North Pole on Christmas Eve to deliver gifts to children around the world, Santa asked Mrs. Claus about the local weather forecast. Mrs. Claus responded, “Looks like rain, Dear!”
Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: A Holly Davison
………
Q: What is Papa Smurf’s favorite phrase at Christmastime?
A: I’ll be blue just thinking of you.
One Liner
I like to make lists; I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guessing on what’s the list while at the store.
Q: What is a Snowman’s favorite aunt?
A: Aunt Arctica
….
Q: Who was the meanest Reindeer?
A: RUDEolf
One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.
Arnold had just received his new driver’s license. The family heads out to the driveway, and climbs in the car. Arnold is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat and sits directly behind the newly-minted driver.
“Hey Dad, I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all the months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.
Dad replies, “Nope, just start driving. I’m gonna do like you’ve been doing to me all these years. I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat.
One Liner
A thief broke into police headquarters and stole all of the toilets. The police have nothing to go on.
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress.
The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”
“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”
One Liner
Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn’t worried at all about serving his full term.
The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early.
Jimmy replied, “Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence the whole time I’ve been married!”
One Liner
Prayer is the original wireless communication
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God’s command and “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.”
He’s about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”
The snakes reply, “That command doesn’t apply to us.”
Noah shakes his head and asks why.
“We don’t,” said the snakes, “we’re adders.”
One Liner
You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do.
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